Women Are Always So Jealous of Me Because I Poop Really Fast

Honestly, sometimes it’s hard to be friends with women. I run into the same problem all the time. One second, they’re nice and friendly, and the next they’re insanely jealous of the fact that I can poop like really, really fast.


It’s not right. I just want to be able to maintain female friendships without feeling like we’re in competition with each other. But my incredible ability to produce number-twos have gotten in the way of any real meaningful female friendships I’ve been trying to cultivate.


I mean, what do you expect me to do, poop SLOWER just so you feel more comfortable? Get real.



Don’t get me wrong, I WANT to be friends with women. I try all the time. But sooner or later, the topic of my wicked-fast bowels is gonna come up and then poof, it’s all gone. Suddenly, it’s all they want to talk about. Yes, I CAN poop so fast that everyone at a party will think it’s just a dainty pee. Yes, it comes out so fast that there’s usually not a bunch of extra crap on my rim. Can we just get over it please??


I’m more than my digestive efficiency! I do have flaws like other women!


And YES, I can usually poop and flush so fast that the smell barely escapes the barrier of the toilet bowl. But it’s not all glitz and glam. I’m still in the bathroom taking a big fat stinky shit! It’s just fast!


If you want me to be completely real with you, I would say these other women suffer from butthole envy. I read about it in this article one time and it’s a very serious problem, especially among women. Some women become so overcome with jealousy of my back hole that they can think of nothing else until, inevitably, our friendship goes to hell.


And I’m not trying to sound defensive, but I can’t help it that my shits slide out of my bowels like a child at the water park on the last day of August. Maybe it’s fiber. Maybe it’s a mental state. Maybe my butt hole is like slightly bigger than average? I don’t know. I’ve just always been this way.


So I just want to take this time to announce to the world that YES, I poop fast and hard but that doesn’t mean I don’t want female friendships. Please contact me if you can get over my speedy butt chunks. I’m still human!