A recent study from Stanford University determined that women who smoke cigarettes during their pregnancies have a significantly increased risk of their babies attending film school later in life.
While doctors have long since advised against smoking during pregnancy due to the various health risks associated with the practice, the previously unknown threat of film school is particularly upsetting and expensive. The Surgeon General is now taking strides to mandate a written warning clearly indicating this risk on all packs of cigarettes sold in the United States.
“This discovery is shocking but not surprising,” explained the lead scientist on the study, Dr. Jasmin Rows. “Naturally, we were wary of a causation/correlation misidentification, but even in cases where the infant was raised in an adoptive family, they were four times more likely to drain their parents’ resources and/or take out tremendous loans to attend film school.”
Dr. Rows and her team observed that the symptoms started in childhood, with study participants expressing interest in Harold and Maude and the early Planet(s) of the Apes as young as seven years old.
For the offspring of non-smokers, French New Wave phases typically begin during college, at which point the greatest consequence is enrollment in one or two film classes, usually with a historical and/or analytical focus. Smokers of more than one pack a day were far more likely to have children who ultimately seek an MFA in the field.
Other symptoms exhibited by the children of smokers include bumming cigarettes from theater students, taking an inordinate number of smoke breaks while they write their screenplay for class, seriously owning a Reservoir Dogs poster their freshman year, and ironically owning a Reservoir Dogs poster their sophomore year.
“Parents should really avoid smoking cigarettes during pregnancy at all costs,” Dr. Rows concluded. “Even the occasional cigarette could result in your baby making a short film where a girl finds flowers growing in unusual places throughout the city and then they’re her dead father’s spirit or something.”
Ask your doctor for help quitting smoking, for your health, for your baby, and so no one has to watch that short film.