Choosing where to live can be tricky. Schools, climate, the local economy — they’re all things to consider when you’re deciding where to put down roots. Plus, your mom has opinions about anything and everything, and won’t stop sharing them. She. Just. Won’t. Stop.
We did an extensive study of 100 metropolitan areas and found what we think are the ten best cities to live in to finally get mom off your back.
“Why don’t you act normal for once?” – Indianapolis, Indiana
This Midwestern metropolis is as American as apple pie, so you mom can finally get off your back about your “weirdo” life choices. Once you’re living in this traditional, down-to-earth town, she’ll have to finally shut up about you spending all your savings on going to Burning Man. Yes, you ran topless through the desert and a photo of it was posted on Facebook but that was ten years ago, and the Playa is its own realm. Indianapolis will bore that memory right out of her.
“When are you gonna meet a nice guy?” – Anchorage, Alaska
Anchorage is chock full of single men, so if you live here your mom will have to get off your back about getting married. You live in Alaska; you’re doing your best to give her some grandchildren! Plus, it’s far from almost everywhere, so she’ll have a hard time popping by to nag you in person.
“Why don’t you visit your grandmother?” – Boca Raton, Florida
Boca is the home of your maternal grandmother. If you live here you can help take care of her, and your mother can finally stop referring to you as the “selfish one.” How could she? You’re the one changing Noni’s diaper — that’s pretty damn unselfish!
“Well, at least I know you’re eating well!” – Seattle, Washington
Beautiful mountains and proximity to the Puget Sound make this coastal city a great place to get out and be active, so you can lose that last ten pounds and make your mom stop mentioning you look “pudgy” at every family dinner. Not everyone can stay the size they were in high school, even if they do have the same genetics.
“I saw something on the news; are you okay?!” – Charleston, North Carolina
This Southern gem boasts a booming film economy and some of the prettiest homes East of the Mississippi. Plus, it’s one of the safest municipalities in the United States, so maybe your mom will stop insisting you carry pepper spray if you’re coming home later than 7 PM. It’s still light out, for God’s sake.
“You need a job!!” – Portland, Oregon
This northwestern city boasts great music, a vibrant arts scene, and fine dining. Plus, it has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere else in the United States, so when your mother starts nagging you about your lack of a job you can swing around and point to a nearby peep palace and scream “Okay, I’ll be a stripper!! Will that make you happy?!” even though you know that in truth, nothing will make her happy. Ever.
“Your eggs won’t last forever, you know.” – Paris, France
Paris is one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It boasts the Eiffel Tower and tons of French people, and your mom will be so impressed that you live here that she’d have to get off your back about how you don’t have kids yet. Who needs kids? You live in fucking Paris.
“Why don’t I ever see you?” – Syracuse, New York
This college town boasts all of the best aspects of small town life. Plus, your mom lives here, too, so she can stop moaning about you being so far away. You live next door — that’s got to be close enough for her. Of course, she’ll probably find something else to bitch about, but at least physical distance will be off the table.
Of course, if none of these cities works, you could always move to Syria. Remember: A mother who can’t reach you is a mom off your back!