Recently, it has been confirmed that Danny, the office dog of the start-up where you work who regularly takes shits on the office floor, is more valued at the company than you.
This realization has been developing for months, but occurred to you most concretely this morning.
“When I walked into work today I was surprised to see all my coworkers smiling excitedly at me,” you said. “Tasha from accounting even said, ‘Wow, I am so happy to see you, beautiful, smart angel!’ and I was like ‘Thanks, Tasha, I’m happy to see you too,’ but then I realized that Danny the office dog had walked in behind me, and that’s who everyone was positively reacting to.”
Though you have worked at the office for almost a year now, you have not yet earned the respect and admiration effortlessly obtained by Danny, a yellow lab who spends most of his day knocking things off people’s desks and taking steaming dumps on the floor.
“Why does everyone love Danny so much?” you asked. “I have worth! What about that time I brought in homemade cookies?”
Coworkers did not hesitate to answer your rhetorical question.
“Danny contributes so much to this office,” said your coworker Maria Shaw. “He boosts morale, and gives us the energy and joy to have a truly productive day. I’m not even sure what you do here, and the cookies felt kind of desperate.”
Shaw’s response was disheartening since you were pretty sure everyone loved the cookies and also you do something with social media and it’s hard to explain but it’s really important.
“Danny doesn’t do any actual work, but I’m fairly sure if the company had to part with one of us, I’d be packing my things,” you said. “It just seems crazy that everyone is so obsessed with this dog who literally poops on our floor, meanwhile I do a real job all day and hardly poop here at all since there aren’t any single stall bathrooms!”
Your boss, Lydia Jones, confirmed Danny’s unmatched status in the office.
“I greatly appreciate all my employees,” Jones said, “but Danny is truly invaluable. And when he shits on the floor? Well, that’s just him showing us he’s our healthy boy.”
You need to go get a plastic bag and clean up Danny’s shit now!