Recently, 31-year-old account manager Kelly Powers expressed frustration when her co-workers exhibited excitement levels normally reserved for meeting a dog over just meeting a dumb baby.
“Everyone was freaking out, so naturally I assumed there was a dog in the office,” said a visibly disappointed Kelly. “I was wrong.”
Susan, who has just returned from maternity leave, was greeted with the enthusiasm that comes from seeing a floppy Corgi puppy whose ears haven’t popped up yet.
“I ran out of my office ready to pet a good boy,” Kelly said. “But it turns out it was just Susan’s dumbass new baby.”
“It’s like, what cool things can a baby even do? Drool and poop? Am I supposed to be impressed by that?” she added. “Sorry, baby. Call me when you can rollover for fetch or smell a seizure coming on.”
Kelly’s co-workers are shocked by her reaction, mentioning that they didn’t even know she was such a dog person.
“I’ve never heard her say she likes dogs, so I was really confused when she got so furious that Susan’s baby was a not-dog,” said co-worker Jody Hale. “Her vitriol is a surprise, to say the least.”
In response to this observation, Kelly said she’s less of a “dog person” than an “unimpressed with babies for simply being babies person.”
“It’s, like, earn it, you know?” Kelly said. “I’m not one of these people who fall all over myself because a baby manages to open its eyes and blow spit bubbles. Give me the result of thousands of years of painstaking domestication and breeding any day!”
“People keep pressuring me to at least call the infant by its name,” she added. “But its name isn’t Fido or Buddy or Potato, so who the hell even cares!”