How To Tell Your Child Mommy Met Daddy On An App For Threesomes

At some point in your child’s young life, she will ask, “Mommy, how did you and Daddy meet?” For most parents, this question leads to a sweet story about an awkward meet cute or a shared background. But not for you, because you met Daddy on a threesome app in 2014. If this is your story, here’s how to tell your child that mommy and daddy met on an app where Daddy left his girlfriend at the time because you two really “had something.”

 

Give your child some context for why this happened.

To put your child at ease and clear up any confusion, make sure you give a little context. Remind your child that mommy and daddy love each other very much; they were just going through a weird time a few years ago and Daddy thought a threesome would reinvigorate his sex life with his ex-girlfriend. Ask them if they know what an app is and remind them how much they love apps like Angry birds and Gem Drop. Now explain that, similarly, mommy and daddy met on an app (like Gem Drop!) for people that want to have group sex with three or more people and that they first fucked blindfolded at a fuck party hosted by the CEO of a popular startup. And that when they took the blindfolds off, they immediately knew that they would fuck again, which they did in the pool at Le Bain in Meatpacking. Context is key!

 

Encourage your kid to not ask too many follow-up questions.

If your plan is to be very direct and honest with your child, you can expect some follow up questions such as “What’s group sex?” or “Okay, but what is sex,” or “Mommy, what’s a fuck pile?” Encourage your son or daughter to take in the information you’ve given them and not ask any more questions.

 

Urge them to keep this a little secret.

Openness and honesty is key to a happy and communicative family. But as sex positive as you may be, you really don’t want to raise eyebrows at your kid’s Upper West Side preschool. And even though you yourself use to see many of your fellow parents and teachers on the apps and at sex dungeons back in the day, there’s always that one uptight PTA mom who “doesn’t want her son around a woman who used to work at an underground ‘Squirt Club.” Ugh, loosen up Christine!

 

 

It’s important to let your child know you’re not ashamed of your sexual past! After all, it was a beautiful threesome at a music festival that gave you your amazing kid! Or was it at Burning Man? Anyway, explaining that Mommy and Daddy met when they both swiped right on 3nder might be a lot for a child to handle, but it’s important that she knows the truth so that one day, she might find someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with in the midst of a weird group sex thing!

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