Hey, Dad—sorry, I mean Steve—can we talk?
I just want to clear the air about a couple of things, specifically how you keep accusing me of having “daddy issues”, or whatever, and like how you said that I’m “still totally hung up on unresolved issues with my father and am seemingly seeking him out in all subsequent relationships in my life”. Well that simply isn’t true, Daddy—I mean Dad—I mean Steve. Steve.
That’s what I said. I said Steve.
Trust me on this, okay? If I had “crippling emotional problems clearly stemming from the absence of my father”, would I be such a superstar at work? My boss loves me, and it is not because of my daddy issues that I don’t have. It’s because I have worked incredibly hard to make him see how special I am and how irreplaceable I am in his life. Did I tell you he said he was “really proud” of me after my big presentation last week? What about the fact that hearing those words caused me to have an orgasm, right there on the spot? No? Weird. I could have sworn I told you. After all, you’re my father. I mean Stever. I mean Steve.
Look, you’re not exactly Mr. Perfect yourself, you know. How do you think I felt when you told me my Christmas present “totally weirded you out?” I got you what I thought you wanted— a hilarious novelty tee that said, “Proud Dad Of An Awesome Daughter (And Yes, She Bought Me this Shirt)” and a handle of gin. What dad—I mean, guy I’m dating—wouldn’t love that? Frankly, your disappointed reaction was rude and felt both safe and familiar. Also, is it really so terrible getting thoughtful e-cards from your girlfriend signed, “Daddy’s Little Girl” every now and then? A lot of girls call their boyfriends “Daddy”— it’s just an expression. Most guys think it’s sexy! It doesn’t actually mean anything, Dad! Am I never going to get your approval!? Why can’t you just be my dad like you promised Mom you would?!?
Whoops! Meant to say Steve. The part that I mixed up was the name. Your name is not Dad; it’s Dad. Dad. I mean, Steve. Your name is Steve, Dad.
So can we just put this daddy issue stuff behind us? Good. Hey— here’s an idea. Why don’t we draw a nice, warm bath, turn the lights down low, and you can sing me the bathy bubbles song because you are my father—I mean, boyfriend named Steve?