I’m Totally Out of Feelings to Talk About, But I Know Drywall

Hey there, ladyfriends! Thanks for coming over for my version of Girls’ Night! I know you usually connect by talking, sharing, and being open about your goals and desires, and that was super fun last weekend, but I’m just plum out of feelings over here, so tonight we’re going to drywall the fuck out of this entire master bedroom. So let’s kick off our shoes, roll up our jean cuffs, and gather ‘round that stepladder for some quality girl time! I may not be able to process my feelings about what happened last week, but I sure as hell know drywall. Let’s start there.


What’s that, Cass? You were wondering how I’m doing after Paul left? As much as I’d love to get into it, talking about all that is not going to help me measure and cut these drywall panels, that’s for sure. Put a pin in that question and toss me that T-square and utility knife.


Now, when you’re securing the boards to the ceiling joists, drive the screws in at regular intervals—that’s right, consistent, even, steady, predictable, the way relationships are NOT. No, no, I don’t have it in me to go into how I hope Paul dies young in a pit of lime. Let’s move onto something I can handle. I’d say about five or six screws per board should do it.



Why is everyone looking at me funny? Are you guys expecting me to say something? Something about my plans to get over Paul and move on with my life? Well, my immediate plans are to use a stud finder to position the panels for the walls, because that’s something I can achieve in this very moment.


How am I doing? I’m doing drywall, you dummies! Now, to cut around electrical outlets and fixtures, cut three sides of the hole all the way through, then score the fourth and punch it out—carefully, so you don’t tear the drywall.


Yes my dad did teach me how to do this. He said I was so much better than the son he originally wished for, which made me hope that somebody else could love me the way he did, even stick around like he did, at least until he died of that sarcoma exactly six months before someone—Oh! This is where we use joint compound, aka “mud,” to make the joints between the boards disappear. Put a blob of mud on your drywall knife and smooth it into the gaps. Then we tape over all the seams and do it again. After it’s dry, I’ll add more coats and sand it down with a pole sander.


This is an odd silence. Is everyone busy pitying me? Well, I don’t fucking want to talk about it, because there’s absolutely nothing to say, and there’s absolutely everything to do to create a smooth, even finish that’s ready for both wallpaper and paint.


Well, it’s been a long evening, ladies. Thanks for all the brute strength and hand-eye coordination. I feel a lot closer to all of you after working side by side like this, even if you did get us off topic from time to time. Let’s do another project next week—maybe you can come over and help me drywall the basement, too. You can leave the rom-coms at home, thanks!