Study Finds All Wine Just a Little Disgusting

In a shocking new study conducted by Stanford University, researchers have found that every single type of wine, whether bottled or boxed, is just a little bit disgusting. 


“We found that there is something elemental to all wine that gives it its sophisticated taste,” Head Researcher Dr. Alia Ibrahim told us. “And that thing is that it’s a tiny bit gross.”


The research team found that the nastiness of wine can actually be traced all the way back to how it’s made, and we were luckily able to speak with a local winemaker who explains what exactly goes into this kind of repulsive process.


“The way that wine is made starts with the grapes having to be crushed and pressed, which people did for many years by stomping on them, with their feet,” winemaker Jamie Johnson said. “We do it in a less gross way now with mechanical engineering, but still. Yuck.”


“Not only that,” she continued, “but the wine has to age and ferment next, which is pretty disgusting too. I mean, it literally develops something called ‘must’ in six to twelve hours.”



That’s right, wine is literally musty, and the researchers at Stanford confirmed this to be 100% true and lowkey rank.


“When we tried each glass of wine,” Dr. Ibrahim said, “we noticed that beneath all of the notes that the selections had, like ‘buttery’ or ‘cherry-like’, they also had a more basic, foundational note of ‘a little gross and disgusting.’”


Stanford scientists also found that, while some types of wine are less gross than others, they’re all tainted with a distinctly foul undertone.


“We found that sweeter white wines like moscatos or zinfandels were a little more pleasant to the palate than dryer white wines or reds,” Dr. Ibrahim told us. “But the aftertaste was still disgusting, so we couldn’t count those ones as ‘good’ either.”


After recording these findings, the researchers at the university plan to study the fact that at the end of the day, cheese is really just moldy old milk.