So that girl you went to school with just got famous, only six months after you casually purged her from your Facebook friend list, and now you need to get her back on your friends list and back in your life. How do you do it without looking opportunistic? Here are a few tips for the age-old question, “How do I capitalize on my childhood friendship with this now-famous person?”
The Faux Mass-Message
Send a message to all of your Facebook friends claiming that your account got hacked. Example: “Hey all, I lost my phone, please re-add me and send me your numbers!”
Caveat: You will need to painstakingly include every single person on your friend list to the message to make it look realistic, and say you have a suspicion that the phone thief has been viciously un-friending your most famous friends. This is a perfectly understandable situation where it would be okay to send her a friend request, and you may even get one from her when she’s on one of those long breaks in her trailer.
The Personal Outreach
Invent a family crisis that requires this newly famous chick’s particular brand of empathy that came so naturally to her when you were growing up. After all, it’s that sweetness and empathy that must have led her to success in the first place. Bait her for some kind words and generic advice, and BAM! You’ve got that message thread going; she won’t even notice your friend request among the other 37 she receives that day.
Caveat: She might see right through your bullshit lie and post an open letter about it on her newly famous blog. Gawker will see it and then you will basically be the laughingstock of the Internet. But nobody will actually know it’s about you, because you aren’t famous.
The Actual Hack
If all else fails, you can always hire some kind of boutique hacker to re-add this person without her ever noticing. Then just sit and wait for that sweet, sweet generic birthday message from a bona fide Famous.
Now, get out there and get that famous friend back before she deletes her Facebook!