You’ve heard the age-old advice, “time heals everything,” but what you probably haven’t realized is that alcohol actually heals everything too…but faster! Your mom, WebMD, or that guy sleeping in your bed (Jim? John?) might tell you to sleep it off, but you know better than to live through the pain of last night’s mistakes when you can delay it—with more mistakes!
Water (With Vodka!)
Even you can recognize the importance of hydration: It’s as important as staying drunk until you forget the pain of your pounding head, staggering breakup, and dead-end job. You should’ve just strapped those 14 beers you drank directly to that extra armpit fat you’re still convincing yourself is “side boob,” you miserable mess. But, fear not! Just pour some vodka over a single ice cube for a low-calorie way to replenish your electrolytes and stay wasted, before your dry lips complete their transformation into actual chalk.
A Hearty Egg (nog) Breakfast
Oh, Eggnog’s out of season? Don’t pretend that you care. You’re wearing an Old Navy hoodie from eighth grade as a dress. If you can’t find the nutmeg and you’re not entirely sure what eggnog is, just throw some eggs on a frying pan and chase them with those whiskey nips you jacked from the liquor store. Eggs are a high-energy, cysteine-rich nutritional wonder that you’ll throw up in no time.
Coconut Water (With Rum!)
You’re not above this classic skinny girl Piña Colada. As the coconut water fails to detoxify your degrading liver, the rum will transport you from sleeping on a pile of laundry to a beautiful, white sand beach resort. Go ahead, take your top off – “Girls Gone Wild” is here! Wait…is that your elderly neighbor outside? You’ll never know – you’re drunk!
Hair of the (Bull)Dog (Gin!)
Your roommate is blurry now as she tries to explain that “hair of the dog” is more of an ancient witch potion and less of a Western science-approved health remedy. That won’t stop you, though! You still have a liter of Bulldog and a head of tangled hair you’re losing at an alarming rate. Collect a wad from the shower drain and make a wig, it’s time to incognito-stalk your ex!
Sex (While Drinking!)
Jake? Uh, wait…John? Is he still here? It doesn’t matter. You’ve heard orgasms give you enough dopamine to zap a headache and you need to be honest with yourself and accept that Jimmy from last night definitely won’t help you with that. Keep in mind you’ll need at least one hand to drink, though.
A Cold Shower (In alcohol!)
Whether or not you found Jasper, you probably couldn’t muster the strength to follow-through with the sex method. Your halfway have-to-sneeze arousal is going to make your hangover much worse if you don’t immediately take a cold shower in all the liquor bottles that are 1/3 full in your freezer. The alcohol will penetrate your skin and bloodstream with the help of your kitchen sponge. If you just repeat, “I’m a real drunk woman” enough, you’ll be a Dove goddess before midnight.
If you normally take two shots of bourbon in your morning coffee, go with four today. With Bailey’s! You deserve it. Ignore the fact that your grandfather says Irish coffee is “destructive;” today is about survival.
Being sober for even 15 seconds will remind you that you’re hung over, your life is nightmare, Jason is completely MIA and you need to be drunk—immediately!
Now that you’ve successfully cured your hangover by drinking more, you’re on the fast track to a morning that will definitely kill you. Don’t panic, though; that’s not for at least nine or ten hours. When it does hit you that you’re not actually at home and instead in the hospital, just remember: Drink more! It’s going to be ok. And if it’s not ok, quit whining, more wining, you’re drunk, who cares? Cheers!