Finishing a stint in rehab is thrilling, but can be daunting as you try to prove to your friends that you’re totally, completely fine now. The tricks below will assure them that you’ve really, truly, fully recovered in the last month of sobriety and are entirely ready to face the world again:
Change your name.
Do what Kesha (formerly known as Ke$ha) did: change your name to something that says, “I went to rehab, but I’m totally fine. Just look at my healthy new name!” Why not legally add (or remove) an exclamation point? That way when people see you they have to think about how to say it now, and will be distracted from those track marks. You’re a whole new woman!
Wear Expensive Loungewear At All Times.
Whenever celebs leave rehab, they’re always seen in Juicy tracksuits, or Lululemon yoga pants with bedazzled Uggs. Wear this carefree yet expensive outfit so people know you are 100% A-OK. Like celebrities. It screams, “I’m centering myself with these yoga pants and this shoulder-bearing tee with a Bible verse on it; how could I possibly be back to my partying ways?”
Quit Your Public Life.
Out of sight, out of mind. When you’re gone for a long time people kind of forget. Make like Tim Allen and swipe it under the rug! Staying out of the limelight is a 100% feasible option. People might even think you’re dead, and then you might get flowers!
Land a Big Interview.
Try to get an interview with Oprah, or at least your local paper. Anyone who’s talking to the press about her personal life will appear sincere and evolved in her newfound state of awareness. Nobody will be able to question you. Let her get mad like your mother did when you quit your day job to bartend at the strip club. Cry it out, because you are like, really, really okay. Really.
Oh, and as a last resort, maybe stop doing whatever you went to rehab for. Because seriously, you are like, the most okay, you’ve ever been. Probably ever, so let them know it!