You get home from work, go into the bathroom to turn on the shower and there it is: a terrifying, one-inch monster. Your obvious reaction is to call a man, but what happens if your man isn’t around to do it for you? Here are a few steps to help destroy the spider by any means necessary, including finding another man:
Stock Up On Phonebooks
You may think these heavy blocks of paper are just a way to reach the top kitchen cabinet, but they are actually effective bug murdering machines when dropped or thrown. One phonebook is not usually enough to alleviate the feeling that you just crushed the flesh of a tiny beast, so a full stack may be necessary. Also, these golden weapons contain plenty of phone numbers of local bug-killing men. If the spider is on an awkward surface, just pick a page and dial those digits, even if it means pretending to have a plumbing issue to get them to your apartment.
Gather up an arsenal and start chucking that designer ammo in the direction of the fast-moving shadow by your nightstand. If the shadow turns into a smear on the wall, success! If not, the banging could attract a new male friend next door who can follow the trail of shoes and flatten that arachnid for you.
Remember that super smelly scent you got as a birthday present from Grandma? Chances are that spider won’t like getting sprayed with it, either. If you only have nice-smelling perfumes that you don’t want to waste on bugs, spray yourself and go outside immediately to attract the attention of male passerby who can come in and help kill your adversary.
When done correctly, screaming at the top of your lungs will send that spider back into the vent from which it came. If not, that high-pitched noise will at least attract concerned men. When they knock on your door, hand them a roll of paper towels and silently lead them to the creature. Problem solved.
Burn Down Your Home
If there is one spider, there are more spiders. The only way to destroy a multiple infestation is with fire. Remove all personal belongings, strike a match and light up that apartment. The fire will attract hunky firemen that can confirm that death of the spider and their sexy willingness to come to your aid at any time. Don’t let them leave without getting numbers!
It’s not just men who can kill spiders – women can too! But when you kinda just can’t, these tips will double as man-attractors to get you through those dark days.