I Got Confused About What the ‘No Poo’ Movement Is and Now I’m in the Hospital

I Lived it:

Sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks. Welp, that’s because I’m in the hospital! Why? Let me explain.


You see, I love beauty trends. I fucking love ’em! Give me a bottle of apple cider vinegar and I’ll show you how to blend it with coconut oil to cure your eczema. I famously got rid of an unsightly mole once using only lemon juice and a single mushroom! And need I remind you all of how I beat cancer using the power of positive thinking? So when I heard about this “no poo” thing, I was intrigued. I figured, why not give it a shot? Seems easy enough…


And yet, here I lie, three days deep in the ICU, and nobody seems to know when the backup is going to end. The doctor said that something about the combination of my intensive juicing regimen, daily wheatgrass shots, and the fact that I refused to shit for over three weeks (apparently very dangerous!) created a “super turd” that has merged with the entire lower half of my large intestine. Before you ask: Yes, it is very painful. And no, they couldn’t “dig it out.” Believe me, they tried! (Thank you Dr. Lieberman et al.).



So how did this happen? Well, to be frank, I was careless. I’ve been around the block with these all-natural beauty solutions to know that you can usually take them at face value. Onion juice for hair growth? That usually means “put onion juice on your hair.” An article with “coffee grounds facemask” in the title is almost certainly going to be about putting coffee grounds on your face. So when I read a headline about the benefits of the no-poo movement, I figured I had a pretty good grip on what the author meant and didn’t need to read any further. From that moment on, I just quit pooin’, and I did feel immediate results (bloating, back pain, sweating) before I went totally unconscious.


Sadly, my maverick heart has led me to the third floor of Bethany Medical, dreaming of detox smoothies that I can’t make because of the delicate situation playing out deep inside my rectum. My nurse told me in no uncertain terms that if I hadn’t passed out and been brought in when I did, it is likely that my butt would have exploded (she used the words “colon” and “ruptured” but that’s less clickable) and I would have d-i-e-d. That’s right, friends. I almost died.


So this is me signing off for now. But I’ll be back soon, and will def be trying out and documenting my experience with the real no-poo movement, if I can just have a regular poo movement anytime soon.