Hey lady! How are you? Sorry I haven’t been in touch since you had the baby! Work has just been crazy for the last two-and-a-half years. I wanted to make sure you heard this news directly from me (I posted it on FB a few days ago so the word is sneaking out before I can get to absolutely everyone): I’m getting MARRIED!!!
It seems like yesterday you and I were fighting over the same middle school crushes, double-dating those twins (who looked like Christian Slater sort of), and helping each other through life’s rockiest times. For instance, remember those seven weeks you brought me homemade chicken soup and thoughtful care packages every single day and night when I thought I had mono? Or how could we forget that time your dad passed away suddenly and I made sure to send you a text that said “U okay?” Aww, memories!
You’re not just a friend, you’re my childhood friend I used to be friends with until we grew apart. So with no further ado: Will you be my bridesmaid (second alternate)?
I KNOW, RIGHT? I’m so excited, too.
I can’t overstress the importance of this crucial support role in my “I do” crew. If a bridesmaid unexpectedly hits the deck from bodice-lacing induced asthma, I need to know someone can seamlessly step in and prevent all of our ceremony photos from being horrifically asymmetrical.
And if THAT alternate bridesmaid then suffers third-degree burns while helping us light the unity tiki, guess who will save me from the utter embarrassment of standing there like an a-hole with only seven attendants? YOU will, girlfriend!
On the off-chance that everything does go to plan and you’re not needed, go ahead and just crouch in the coat closet just off of the chapel’s lobby for the duration of the proceedings. We’ll leave your name off the program so we don’t confuse the guests. Space is so super limited! Argh! Wedding planning is so stressful! I’m sure you understand (How IS he, by the way? Or she??).
A few quick housekeeping items: I’ve enclosed a calendar with the events in your court to organize circled in red. You’ll lead the charge on dress fittings #3, #4, #5, #7 and #8, plan the co-ed fancy shower (co-ed casual shower will be handled by one of the three Lyndseys), and the formal post-wedding brunchlet on the beach. Again, this is only relevant if I lose more than one real bridesmaid. I’m sure you understand!!
Please note: The Registry Grab is optional—I know you are almost as busy as I am and may not be able to stay for the entire long weekend, since you have little what’s-their-name now and you live in Buffalo. All my events are in San Diego unless otherwise noted—the ceremony itself is in Bora Bora. Which reminds me! Please call the Ritz Carlton Bora Bora. We reserved a block of overwater bungalows you can purchase at a discounted rate, but space is filling up! We’re trying to keep things super small and understated, so please don’t bring a date—our cat/ring bearer Lieutenant Cheese is the only “+1” we’re allowing at the ceremony.
Ugh wait, bad news: I wasn’t able to get you a day-of-wedding salon appointment with the rest of us at 11 AM, but they were able to sneak you in at 5:15 AM; please arrive promptly at 4:45 to fill out mandatory new client paperwork—cash tips only, local currency required. There is an ATM one island over. You have a plane, right? I thought I saw that on Facebook one time.
Just a reminder, this is only if two people drop out! You’re the best!
Stick around after the reception if you can (you’ll just miss the Sunday flight, but don’t worry—another one comes right behind it on Thursday)—we may be able to squeeze you in a few wedding party pics, depending on if my Gram Gram Joyce is still alive by then. She’s a bridesmaid, too! If she dies and Carrie’s lupus comes back, you’re a total shoo-in!
Can’t wait to see ya at the engagement party—oh wait, no, sorry, that one is first-tier wedding party only. See you at the marriage license crawdad boil!
Smooches to your little boy…or girl? Wait, was it you who had a baby? OMG wait no, you’re the one who got fired! Ughhhhh jobs are the worst!
PS: Sorry for the long text!