Sick of your itty bitties? Boobs too big? Well better breasts can be yours! Follow these age-old beauty hacks that will literally transform your boob size. You won’t believe the results!
1. Saline Implant Boob Job
Not filling out your sweater the way you’d like? Fill your breasts with saline solution! Passed down from generation to generation, these surgically implanted pockets of saline solution will turn your A-cups into AWESOME cups. It’s as easy 1-2-3: 1. Get a surgeon. 2. Have him insert an empty pocket via incision in your armpit. 3. Have him fill that pocket with saline solution. Your boobs will be a different size.
2. Silicone Gel Boob Job
Are your boobs light as a feather and flat as a board? Silicone gel implants are an easy fix. Silicone gel is the most popular type of breast implant worldwide, and it’s SO much simpler than you think. They literally take surgical grade silicon and insert it via incision under your breasts. Literally. That’s it. Boob size: changed.
3. Breast Lift Boob Job
Do your boobs hang low, do they sag down to the flo’? Breast lifts are your friend. If your face says you’re 25 but your breasts say you’re 28, maybe it’s time for a lift. This procedure gives your breasts that totally cool youthful look by removing excess skin and tightening the surrounding tissue to reshape and support the new breast contour. Warning: You may get carded with those different-sized boobs!
4. Breast Reduction Boob Job
It’s really hard to make your boobs smaller, right? Wrong. Try a breast reduction. Sometimes bigger is not always better, ladies! It’s not as complicated as you think. Cut or suck fat out from your breasts to achieve this deceptively simple look. You’ll have petite boobs in no time at all (besides one week of post-op bed rest, of course). Get used to having boobs that are smaller than your old boobs!
5. Fat Injection Boob Job
Stuck with skinny ugly boobs? Inject fat into them. When life gives you lemons, make mangos! Injecting fat directly into your boobs is a foolproof way to turn your great plains into an epic mountain range. Your boobs will literally have more fat in them after this quick fix, which—ding ding ding!—makes them a different size.
6. String Implant Boob Job
Having boobs this epic should be illegal, right? Try string implants to fill out your string bikini. The ultimate breast implant is almost too good to be true…because it’s illegal in the United States and Europe. The FDA doesn’t want you to know about the ultimate breast hack because it’s way too bodacious for federal regulation! This polypropylene serum injection causes your breast tissue to swell and swell until your boobs are literally the size of a basketball! Dangerous and lethal? More like “a woman who can’t be tamed, not even by the FDA!” Size of boobs: officially different from before!
7. Trilucent Soybean Oil Implant Boob Job
Like outdated surgical procedures from the 90’s? Better get trilucent soybean oil-filled breast implants. This type of breast implant is as 90s as Nickelodeon and Nirvana and usually resorts in a ruptured prosthesis. You know you’re a 90s kid when you get a surgical implant that was recalled in 1999! Heyo, altered boob size!
8. Back-Alley Botched Boob Job
On a budget? Don’t let your lack of funds keep you from getting the body you’ve always wanted! Cement implants are perfect for a fashionista on a budget. Just go to an unlicensed (but probably just as good) beautician and have her inject cement sealant into your breasts. You won’t be as flat as a sidewalk—you’ll BE the sidewalk. That’s different!!
Now get out there and show off those different boobs!!