Flirty Summer Cocktails to Disinfect Your Wounds


Summer is all about sun, surf, and drinking, but you’ve acquired quite a few infections due to your love of hard alcohol. Just how hard? Hard enough to knock that same infection out of even the gnarliest open wounds you’ve received! Repurpose these cocktails to sterilize that gash—your bloodstream won’t know what hit it!


Martini-osporin: Do you like your bevvies with a twist? Did you also twist your ankle and fall and cut yourself on the way here (thanks, wedges)? Simply sip, spit onto a cotton ball, and massage into your wound. Mmm—antiseptic!


Gin & Tonic & Rubbing Alcohol: The annual family “Drunk Hunt” is over, but that bullet they removed from your side is still giving you trouble. No reason to miss out on your cousin’s pool party! Nothing says ‘summertime’ like a G&T, but nothing says ‘bummer’ like PTSD—so stop dwelling and mix yourself a cold one! Remember to use that same G&T to disinfect your battle scar before you change into your bathing suit. No need to freak out the kids! Then, once you’re free from both harmful microorganisms and lingering guilt over what you were forced to do to that family of deer, it’s time to party. Cannonball!



Mojito-stat (Mojito w/ Monistat): Are you itching for a cold one, and itching from a yeast infection? This stiff little number will turn any Fourth of July barbeque into a night you won’t remember. Put on your dancing shoes, because a couple of these babies and you’ll want to shake, shake, shake that thing! (That thing = your vagina—it burns and it needs some air.) Once your thirst is quenched, pour the rest into the hot tub for more necessary bacteria-killing goodness.


Cosmo-peroxide: Is the gaping wound on your kneecap oozing again? Reach for a cosmopolitan. Cosmos are a double whammy: They’re red, which will help neutralize that greenish color, and fragrant, which will mask the pungent odor that wafts from your lower extremities ever since the accident. In addition to providing much-needed relief from infection, the vermillion hue will give your legs that coveted after-sun flush!


A stiff drink is great for numbing the pain before you pour the rest of that same drink all over your gaping wounds. Don’t let a few accidents prevent you from enjoying your drunken ways!