How To Have A Wedding So Rustic At Least One Person Gets Killed By A Bear

eclectic couple

Planning a rustic wedding, but want to avoid the clichés? If you’re looking for a more rugged alternative to this trend, think about having a wedding rustic enough to invite a full on bear attack. It’s the perfect way to ensure your big wilderness-inspired day stands out amongst all the others. Here’s our guide on how to throw a wedding so rustic that at least one attendee gets brutally mauled by a bear for all your loved ones to see.

 

Get married in the fall.

No season captures the rustic essence better than fall. Fortunately, it’s also the time of year when the most bears are around. Let the crisp air, crunchy leaves and piney smell, create a cozy wedding atmosphere before it gets absolutely trashed by hungry bears searching for dinner. Plan on saying, “I do!” right at the height of nature’s brutal display—as your third cousin Alison tries to fight off an American black bear with a flute of Prosecco. How beautiful! There’s nothing more lovely than a wedding this rustic.

 

Set your wedding deep in the forest.

Don’t settle for a trite barn wedding! Set yours deep in the forest, where wild animals roam. You can clear a path in the dense thickets for an aisle and designate certain rocks for seating. This really gives your ceremony a romantic, fully rustic vibe while also keeping open the possibility that a pack of bears will descend upon your guests mid-nuptials. Nice! Now everyone will remember your special outdoorsy day.

 

Serve only raw meat and foraged foods.

Nothing says “rustic” like raw meat and foraged food. Gather berries and nuts from the forest and catch a few wild salmon with your mouth, then just kind of lay them out on the ground. Your guests will love the whole back-to-nature aesthetic! Plus, wild animals will eventually lumber onto your wedding grounds when they catch a whiff of the delicious entreés you’re serving. This increases the likelihood of at least one attendant getting dragged into the woods, where they’ll be feasted upon by the huge garbage-eating dogs National Geographic insists on calling “bears.” How could anything be more rustic than that?

 

 

Put bears on your guest list.

Duh! If you want bears to come to your wedding, you can invite them. Put bears on your guest list to increase the chance of them showing up and murdering at least one, if not several, guests. It’s just like how you always dreamed!

 

Follow this handy guide if you want to have a rustic wedding that’s less Pinteresty and more The Revenant. If you can commit to marriage, you can definitely commit to inciting a bear attack!

COMMENTS

view all comments hide comments

Comments are closed.