When it comes to my time of the month, let’s just say I’m not always prepared. But when Aunt Flo came while I was on my way to brunch today, I did the only thing that made sense – I grabbed a Flintstones Push-Pop and shoved it up there like a cool and refreshing cork in my vag. Well, now it’s melting and I’m making a complete and utter mess at brunch. Ugh, typical me!
Flintstone’s Push-Pops couldn’t look more like tampons if they tried. I mean, there’s even a cardboard applicator! But I’m clearly such a doofus because I didn’t think about the fact that sherbet is non-absorbent and also melts. I’ve learned the hard way: The pussy is no place for a colorful popsicle. Now I have blood AND orange sherbet running down my legs!
I know what you’re thinking: They still make Flintstones Push-Ups? They “Yabba Dabba” do! I’m such a sucker for 90’s nostalgia. But, as it turns out, I’m also pretty nostalgic for regular ol’ tampons right now because I’m a sticky-sweet menses mess. My legs are covered in a blood and sugar swirl, like two grotesque candy canes. I should just go home, but I love brunch so much and we’re still waiting for our food! Nobody has said anything about the blood.
Oh well. I guess this was my choice and I have to accept the consequences. I regret my decision to shove a kid’s popsicle up my cooch, but I can’t say the sensation is entirely unpleasant. As they say, “You live and you learn.” Well, today I’ve lived, and what I’ve learned is that sorbet in your vagina actually feels “pretty good.” That being said, I will never be allowed back at this restaurant. That’s for sure.
As for the Flintstones’ Push-Up, they’re a taste – not a tampon – right out of history.