A new round of disclosures from the former National Security Agency contractor Edward Snowden has revealed the Facebook habits of First Lady Michelle Obama. According to the report, the First Lady spent late nights at the White House leaving cruising many former boyfriends’ Facebook pages including high school crush, Tim Smith and college flame, Joe Carter. She is reported to have left vague, nostalgic posts on their walls, which were immediately deleted.
Pres. Obama says he is “shocked an embarrassed” about how Snowden has compromised the integrity of United States intelligence community.
The overwhelming majority of Americans think that this time, Snowden has gone too far. “He is a traitor and deserves to be tried as an enemy combatant. Sure, we’d all like to know who’s looking at our pages, but you don’t want people to know your looking at their page, you know?” says Vice President Joe Biden. “It’s absolutely unconscionable.”
President Obama is reportedly considering a military intervention in pursuit of Mr. Snowden. “I don’t want to live in a country where the Facebook habits of ordinary men and women are compromised. That’s just not who we are. In order to protect our security, the NSA has taken the appropriate steps to find Snowden, and also block Mr. Smith and Mr. Carter from Facebook.”
In a statement earlier today, Michelle Obama defended herself by saying, “I had a few glasses of Cabernet and I just couldn’t stop myself. I’m sorry for any damage this may have caused.”
Mrs. Obama is also said to have extensively perused the pages of Mrs. Johanna Meyer, a 3rd cousin who recently shared her alcohol induced emotional breakdown on the site, and a former classmate who used to be “the pretty one” and has gained 60 pounds since having children.