Michelle Obama’s Morning Ruined by Coffee Blowing Off Top of Air Force One

White House officials confirmed that Michelle Obama’s whole morning was thrown off when she absentmindedly left her coffee on the roof of Air Force One before takeoff. The First Lady’s frustrating Monday morning could best be summed up by an impromptu statement she gave mid-flight:


“Oh, goddammit. Dammit, Michelle. Jesus. Dammit. Ugh, what a mess. I really needed that coffee. Dammit, now I have to buy coffee when I get there. Ugh. Great. Just what I needed. Jesus Christ this week already. Already this week. Goddammit.”


As a result of her terrible morning, Michelle was reportedly very grumpy. According to a presidential aid, she said irresponsible things in meetings throughout the day, such as, “At some point a child has to decide his or her own diet,” and, “Being a mom is great, but can also be tiring,” and “To be honest, I don’t even like the Nae Nae.” She later apologized for her hurtful statements. “Sorry, I just get frustrated sometimes,” said Michelle in a moment of utter despair. “You know Mondays!”



When informed of his wife’s terrible morning, President Obama immediately brought the issue before the executive department of the cabinet. Each member weighed in with ideas on how to potentially avoid mornings like these in the future. “I just hate to see my wife suffer,” the President said. “Also Air Force One can’t fit in a car wash, so we need to figure that out, too. It’s covered in latte. And I mean covered.”



Barack later took Michelle out to dinner at the small plates restaurant that she loves. “Thank goodness Congress approved it,” said Barack, with a smile. “It’s the one goddamn measure I’ve gotten through all year goddammit goddammit goddammit.”