Annoying White American Thinking About Becoming Annoying White Canadian

In a move that comes as a surprise to no one, annoying white American Gemma Evans has announced plans to become an annoying white Canadian if “things keep going the way they’re going” in the United States.


“I know everyone says this, but if Trump is reelected, I’m seriously gonna move to Canada,” says Evans. “America has become a laughingstock, I’m honestly ashamed to be from this country.”


While Evans, a cis white woman with intergenerational wealth, is among those least impacted by American oppressive violence, she is meaningfully embarrassed to be associated with it.


“Do you know how racist this country is?” Evans asks. “It’s horrible. Send me to Canada where the people are nice! You never hear about racism in Canada.”


And with the belief that racism doesn’t exist in Canada in mind, Evans has fueled her desire to move from one site of European colonization and genocide of indigenous peoples to the same but with better healthcare.


“I would love to be Canadian,” Evans says. “I finally wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed to say where I’m from when I’m on vacation.”


However, not everyone in Evans’s life is convinced by the validity of her plan.



“When I saw Gemma made a Facebook status asking if she knew any immigration attorneys I just assumed it would have to do with the ongoing human rights crisis at the southern border,” said a Facebook friend, Mel Linden. “But it was actually just a jokey statement about how she’s moving to Canada because of anti-mask protests in the south. And she’s been working from home in the Hamptons since March!”


Another acquaintance put it more bluntly.


“Why the fuck does Gemma get to flee America?” says Annabel Park. “If she’s so concerned about the state of this country, maybe she should dedicate that energy to some political action here.”


But Evans is not dissuaded by her critics.

“Healthcare here I come!” she says. “I mean, I actually have pretty good healthcare, but I’m excited to not be from a place where so many people don’t.”