New Features on iPhone6S Include Better Camera, Lack of Ex’s Contact Info

The new iPhone 6S is finally here, unlike Mike.


While there have only been a few days to play with the new device, the differences between this model and it’s predecessors are abundant: 3D touch pressure-sensitivity, 4K video capability, app “peeking” modes, three-second live still photos, and absolutely zero megabytes of your ex’s existence.


That’s right. Every iPhone6S comes completely devoid of that useless jerk’s contact info and face, ugh.



Aside from the improvements in the quality of the metal used, the general size and mass are nearly comparable, although the weightlessness you’ll feel when scrolling through your contact list without the ability to accidentally dial your former flame is unprecedented.


As per usual, beta upgrades are probable within a few weeks of the release including the much anticipated improvement to the Messaging system which is rumored to offer an auto-response of “new phone who dis” to unknown numbers.


The most significant hardware change is the ever-improving camera, boasting 12 megapixels that are sure to capture you in your best light as you live your #bestlife with your new bae who has a job. While Apple hasn’t responded to the claims, consumers have voiced opinions that the lens actually makes you look healthier and happier as a single lady. The company is also curious if you lost weight because seriously you look amazing.



Consumers lined up outside of Apple stores across the country awaiting its in-store release. For Bethany, who was able to test the new model early for product review, it was love at first sight. “Unlike my other phone, which was synced to my iPhoto and riddled with photos and videos of me and my ex, this phone came totally empty and full of possibility. I literally can’t even remember his number now. Now I can confidently drink to the point of blurry decision making knowing that I won’t call or text him.”


“Also I am obsessed with the rose gold body,” she says, with tears in her eyes. “Everything feels so new.”


While you may not be able to put a cost on closure, we’re thinking its somewhere between $649 and $749 plus tax.