Early this morning, a Kotex Super™ tampon freed itself from an unidentified F train passenger’s bag and remains unclaimed. According to transit police officers, no one wants it.
“At this time we are attempting to figure out who dropped it and if they want it back,” said an MTA spokesperson, while shifting her feet to avoid the rolling tampon. “If any of you dropped this or wants it, please claim it. We hate it.”
Many have been forced to step out of the way of the sanitary item’s warpath, though no passenger has shown any other signs of recognition. Those following the case have speculated that the tampon’s true owner may never be revealed and will roll along the car for future bystanders to attempt to ignore it for eternity.
“It’s just ridiculous,” says one anonymous straphanger. “How much do we pay for a monthly pass, and still they can’t reunite this lone tumbletampon with its owner? I work hard. I am a nurse.”
Authorities have been taking action in an attempt to silence these speculators. The NYPD is on the scene, questioning every person that passes through the third train car, where the tampon continues its taunting dance. “Everyone’s a suspect. We’re going to find out who set this thing loose, I can promise you that.” NYPD Officer Clyde Pomerantz vowed. “We won’t fall victim to this tampon.”
The origin of the tampon is still unknown, and straphangers were unreceptive to questioning. “What? I hadn’t noticed. What? What are you talking about? I don’t know. What?” says 27-year-old suspect Regina Lopez when asked about the tampon that had briefly taken refuge by her sneaker. “Ugh, gross!!”
“I have a daughter,” Laura Peretti, a mother and fellow commuter, laments. “How am I supposed to explain this to her? She does not know what a tampon is. Now what?”
Authorities are optimistic that the perpetrator will eventually come forward and allow F train passengers to carry on the rest of their lives in peace. As of this afternoon, the partially unwrapped tampon remains on the loose.