Bento Boxes That Will Establish Your Dominance Over Other Moms

Congratulations! You are done fucking around and you’re ready to take your rightful place as Alpha Mom. Do you think success comes for free? It doesn’t. Be prepared to put in the work.

 

Take a look at this. This isn’t a G-D Lunchable.
 
Lion Bento
 
This is art. Your child is going to eat a work of art, and you’re finally gonna get a little more respect around here.

 

I’m gonna hit you with some more, are you ready?
 
Cloud Bento
 
Bam.
 
Safari Bento
 
You don’t know HOW to do these? Grow a sack, sign into Pinterest, get in the Camry, drive yourself to Michaels and figure it the fuck out.
 
Piggies Bento
 
Oh, does this look too “hard”? News flash, Sophie’s mom is bringing homemade mini-cupcakes for everyone next week. They are gonna be gluten-free and personalized for each student. Does that put a fire under your ass? It better.
 
DSC_0029.NEF
 
Yes! Good work.
 
Yeah, I know it’s hard. I know your hands are bleeding from cutting carrots into little flowers. I know your eyes hurt from placing nori leaf eyes on those chicken nuggets. Suck it up. You’re a mom. Do you wanna feel like a failure at the next PTA meeting or do you want to dominate it? That’s what I fucking thought.
 
Bunny Bento
 
“But this is taking me too long!” Waaah waaah waaah. What are you, a little bitch? Set an alarm for 3:30 am and get it done!
 
Regular Sandwich Bento
 
Did you just come up in here with a regular ass Sandwich??!! I’m sorry, are you gonna be the best mom or are you being the best mom? It can’t just be talk! BETTER YOURSELF.
 
Valentine Bears Bento
 
YES. Look at that. That is the lunch of a child whose mom submits to NO ONE. In fact, get as many hearts as possible into these lunches. Groom your child to eat innocence. Psychologically prepare her for the glorious life of dominance she can expect if she follows in your footsteps.

 

Don’t stop there. Think outside the bento-box. Here’s a power move, leave notes not only in your child’s lunch, but in other children’s lunches too.

 

 

No one can ignore you now. You’re the best mom! Ultimate mom! Crush all the other mothers. No one should need to ask who’s bringing the orange slices to soccer practice. IT’S YOU. This is not a game. You’ve come too far now. You’re going to kill yourself when they leave for college anyway!

 

And when that day comes, tell them to put your ashes in a “World’s Greatest Mom” mug, set it on fire, and throw it through the window of a Lucille Roberts. Even in death you can take out a few weak moms.

 

Best of luck. I’ll see you at that big Kohl’s in the sky.

COMMENTS

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63 responses to “Bento Boxes That Will Establish Your Dominance Over Other Moms”

  1. HappyJohn9 says:

    …and the point of the article? Wasting my time thinking it was something interesting is what I’m thinking at this moment

    • daphnehan says:

      You didn’t have to click on it did you? I thoroughly enjoyed this.

      • HappyJohn9 says:

        You’re right, but I had hopes it would contain useful information.

        • Dancing Cranberry says:

          It does have useful information, Happy! The information is that there are games one can decline to play … and become happy-er. ;) I thought it was hilarious and it reminded me of all the games I attempted to join, even knowing how little it mattered in the long run.

  2. HouseTalkN says:

    “BETTER YOURSELF!” – and then, I died. Hilarious.

  3. Cheri Finkbiner says:

    rolling on the floor laughing!

  4. Susan Bristow-Mclean says:

    Hilarious.

  5. Melissa R says:

    And the whole time I was laughing and hearing the baby line from Look Who’s Talking. “I’m still not eating it”

  6. BadParentingMoments says:

    “Do you wanna feel like a failure at the next PTA meeting or do you want to dominate it? That’s what I fucking thought.”

  7. Lacey says:

    Seriously, this article had great potential as far as content! But as a wonderful mother and on behalf of those parents who actually have respect for ourselves, how trashy could one be to use such vulgarity writing an article regarding children and being better than other mothers! I am laughing at the rather childish articulation used in this article! Maybe the writer as well as all of you who lack intelligent intellect and have no regard nor respect for parenting should not be parents at all much less condone such obscenity in an article concerning our children! Smh! Very very trashy and degrading to all of you who find humor in this!

    • TEW says:

      I’m pretty sure the writer was being facetious. You sound judgmental as hell. You aren’t the only wonderful mother around here who respects herself. I bet you are so much fun to hang around.

      • Lacey says:

        Actually I am! I don’t care what the writer was trying to be, it merely is what it is! Trashy tasteless and extremely disrespectful to any good mother! Which clearly you are not a parent or a good one at that!

        • TEW says:

          “Which clearly you are not a parent or a good one at that!”. Judgment.

          • Lacey says:

            It is in response to the comment left! If that is what you take as judgemental, I pity you! I am appalled at the idiocy by alleged adults here! I will not lighten up as it is merely common sense and a factor of respect for those who are good parents and children in general! The replies to my comments shows exactly what’s wrong with society today! To think people like this are actually parents or maybe even not poisoning our youth with stupidity! The next generations have no chance to value what it takes to be successful these days and will never have morals unless they are self taught!

      • Lacey says:

        Furthermore, judgemental would be me saying I was I’m better than the result in which is how this particular article is portrayed by the writer! So maybe you need an education before commenting on something you clearly don’t respect our understand! Signed, An adult entertainment manager and DJ! Which happens to be extremely fun for everyone!

        • TEW says:

          You said this: “Maybe the writer as well as all of you who lack intelligent intellect
          and have no regard nor respect for parenting should not be parents at
          all much less condone such obscenity in an article concerning our
          children! Smh! Very very trashy and degrading to all of you who find
          humor in this!”

          You are implying you are better by they very nature of your comment and calling out anyone who finds this amusing a bad mother. That is judgmental. You are judgmental and uptight for an adult entertainment manager. Lighten the heck up!

    • DaniMormont says:

      You must be new here.

      • Lacey says:

        No I’m not, and usually find this site pretty funny but this one just went over board! I find it very offensive taking about children in this context as well as mothers as if one should be better than another!

  8. Georgia Meyer says:

    Apparently the humor was lost on some. Sad.

    • Lacey says:

      There is no humor in speaking any parent in a children’s topic such as this on in the context used here! If you find it humorous it says a lot about your mental state in which should be seriously assessed especially if you are a mother caring for a child!

      • TEW says:

        You’re getting all up in arms about an article that was written all in fun and you missed all of that. My goodness! You must be the mother that does this for your children–and that’s okay too! But sheesh. You aren’t the only good mother on here or a better mother just because you don’t like this article,

        • Lacey says:

          I personally don’t take lightly the context of this particular article towards anyone’s children nor any parent who loves and cares for children! If you do as I said it speaks loud and clear of who you are!

          • TEW says:

            I submit. You are probably a better mother than me or anyone on here. We are all what is wrong with this country. Us and Obama.

          • Lacey says:

            Which is very sad considering I am also chronically and Ill! Not only do I care for my children and self but my service animal as well! Epilepsy had nearly taken my life many times so I guess that would be a contributing factor to my high regard for respecting not just my children but every child as well as parents who actually dotake care of their kids!

          • Georgia Meyer says:

            Hey gimpy, shut up.

          • Lacey says:

            No not gimpy lol I’m an adult an and educated one at that! A size you would never fit!

          • Georgia Meyer says:

            Bless your heart. I would never, ever, ever, want to be so unhappy. You took an article that poked at people. And maybe I am weird, but I am pretty sure all mothers can go over the top-and made it into something it never was. And for someone who is so educated, some of your sentences make very little sense.

          • Lacey says:

            Lmfao! Exactly as I said! Nothing I would say could possibly make any sense when I use terminology that you need a dictionary to even begin to comprehend! Lol your pitiful! Btw, I am very very happy!

          • Lacey says:

            Georgia like I said before get someone who can help you understand this article and the nature of the context before you make yourself look any worse here! Maybe you should ask the ones who actually have the mentality to raise your kids for you as it seems you don’t display a character to be responsible for your own life let alone a child!

          • TEW says:

            I’m really sorry for your difficulties. I’m sure everyone has a story. But whether you lighten up or not, your tone is really quite off-putting and, frankly, not very nice. Every mother is just doing the best they can.

          • Lacey says:

            Exactly so if you want to submit being called a bitch that’s on you! But that ain’t me!

          • Lacey says:

            Everyone does have a story and some are more difficult than others but if you brush off being disorder for doing your best is not right! And you shouldn’t if in fact you are doing your best!

          • TEW says:

            So you just called me a bitch. Lovely person. Just lovely.

          • Lacey says:

            Um no hun the article does! Reread it!

          • Lacey says:

            I don’t know you there for would not make such a judgment to call you a bitch! Seriously re read this article, maybe you forgot the context and that’s why we are in such controversy here.

          • Hannelore Christine von Alm says:

            really? seriously?
            yes, you are chronically AND ill!! epilepsy is not an illness that would/take your life “so many times”! stop feeling sorry for yourself!!

          • lacey says:

            You are pretty educated! Epilepsy takes thousands of lives every year! Once again like most of you clearly all alike, knowledge is a powerful trait! And good for you Google knows everything! Educate yourself!

          • Hannelore Christine von Alm says:

            and actually… yes. i am!
            having lived with epilepsy since my 1st two strokes in 1995, i have thoroughly study the illness.
            the most dangerous part is SUDEP (sudden unexpected death in epilepsy) and that risk can be greatly reduced by following your doctor’s recommendations!
            besides epilepsy i also have ASD and congestive heart failure. so stop whining and go on with your life!

          • lacey says:

            Given what you just said which is about a quarter true you really don’t have any clue! I’m not whining and from this comment you seem to be one upping or trying to but is rather have your ailments any day. In top of epilepsy I also have CRPS (chronic regional pain syndrome) which is the most painful disease known to man in case you didn’t know! The highest pain rating on the scale! Trust abs believe if I were going to compassion or whine about something it would not be my epilepsy! Go on with my life? From the sounds of it you may have less of one to live than I do take your own advice and hopefully you get right with Him before you pass! Bless your congested heart!

          • Lacey says:

            Tew, I am no better mother than anyone who takes care of their children! Only those who chose not to and don’t or won’t!

          • Kyoko Sakata says:

            What will you do about it though? This is freedom of speech. I understand that some like this humor and others don’t. Just because YOU don’t like it doesn’t mean it should no longer remain on the earth. Why would you stop someone from being inspired to make cute bento lunches for their children or even husband as I do? Don’t like the language? Okay fine. Chew the meat, spit out the bones. I don’t care for expletives all day every day but this article empowers me to do something different for my family and I will continue to do so. Go in peace. Live your life. Give this blog site a break.

          • Lacey says:

            Well like I told the rest, if you enjoy being called a whiney bitch and need that to be inspired to do better and be better for your family you seriously need help! More help than this article had to offer!

          • Ali2044 says:

            Holy shit lady, this is a comedy site. Not a single article on here is serious. What are you even doing here since you obviously have no sense of humour and are unable to tell fact from fiction? Do you also forward Onion articles to your family with outraged comments? Do you call the cops every time you witness a murder on TV? What kind of delusional fantasy land do you live in where you take random satirical articles on the internet personally? Your unhinged ranting abuse is a sign that far from being the best mother in the world, you probably shouldn’t even be responsible for a goldfish. Are you sure Tourette’s isn’t one of your medical problems? Get help lady. For your poor kids sake if for nothing else

      • Georgia Meyer says:

        Don’t you have a child to attend to? Since you are, obviously, a much better parent than anyone else. Go do that.

        • Lacey says:

          Lol my children are taken care of how bout yours! Thank you for recognizing me as a much better parent than you, however I didn’t say that you did my dear! As I did say already I am not dominated by anyone! Sad to think your waisting your last two cents trying but hey A for effort! Now go back to school kid!

    • eaudryn says:

      Guys, flag her comment where she starts telling people to F off, and just stop engaging with her. She sounds a little off. We can enjoy each other and the humor of the article (while secretly trying to determine who’s got the better kitchen….) ;)

  9. Guest says:

    @disqus_h0dCIcR3ov:disqus
    I ‘m pretty sure the writer was being facetious. Tongue-in-cheek. You know, joking? You sound judgmental as hell with your name-calling and self-righteousness. You aren’t the only wonderful mother around here who respects herself. And remove that stick. I bet you are so much fun to hang around!

    • Lacey says:

      Oh I’m the one calling names here? Wow! Allow me to most definitely say you personally are a fucking idiot! Lmao now that would be name calling! I, however did not until now! :) maybe you should find someone to help you comprehend this article as it seems even using a vocabulary of that which a middle school kid would use you still don’t understand and have the ability nor the intelligence to differentiate right from wrong!

  10. Lacey says:

    I am a mom who submits to NO ONE! Who also is very crafty and creative with my children! However, I’m not one to “dominate” nor am I a little bitch who should suck anything up! I highly doubt the writer of this is even a parent and if so most likely is dominated by many and obviously lacks the general “g factor” if you even know what that is in which I highly doubt at this point, much less the ability to be creative enough to put this together!

  11. Jocelynn says:

    @disqus_h0dCIcR3ov:disqus , you’re a moron. You would sound more intelligent, if perhaps you picked up a grammar book. Then, maybe I could follow your run-on sentences and make some sense of the garbage you are plastering throughout this comment thread. This article is supposed to be poking fun at the over-achieving moms that make the rest of us look bad…no one is in actual competition. It’s called having a little sense of humor, and laughing at ourselves, not necessarily each other. And…not really sure what your disability(ies) have to do with your argument in this case, we are all just doing the best we can and making light of parenthood, which I am sure, every mother and father alike, take very seriously.

    • Lacey says:

      Well allow me to be grammatical here! Fuck you! I’m sure you understand that right! My disabilities have nothing to do with this article rather the ongoing conversations, as I have said many times if you find this in any way funny that is very very disturbing! Is that a more appropriate way to put it so you can understand?

  12. Patricia McQuestin says:

    There are two extremely sad things going on here. First off Lacey is mentally slow and you all shouldn’t be making fun of her. It’s obvious she is slow, because she has to try to prove she is better than everyone else by putting them down thus making her look like a true idiot. Second we should worry about Lacey’s kids. Because if she is taking this much time to respond to this very humorous article then her kids are most definitely not being taken care of. Anyone that has to prove they are a better parent is just trying to make up for something they are lacking in, in their life. unplug and actually take care of your kids instead of letting the TV raise them for you Lacey. You are definitely a sad sad woman.

    • Lacey says:

      Right! No actually my children are very well taken care of! Actually not aloud to even watch television rather compete in academic excellence within the school district online in free time! Both of my children have and have continued to have perfect attendance for 4 and 7 years now! It is hilarious that you have the audacity to date question my mental state nor parenting when you obviously condone this sick content! I don’t believe I am better than anyone however I will never lack respect for any child nor a parent who actually takes care of their children! Which leads me to the same concerns with you as I didn’t put anyone down I simply called it out for what it is! Mentally slow?! Lmao seriously lady I don’t portray any slowness mentally nor articulately illegitimate! I have not tried to prove anything on behalf of comparing my parenting as to better than anyone else’s, nim whit! Furthermore, your parents should had taught you long ago little girl not to get into adult business! As this is far and beyond anything you could possibly understand! Obviously! So your yet another I/as well as others, who actually have a moral compass and value or children as well as being mothers, will sit and laugh at! I am not lacking nor am I inadequate in any way of life! It is appalling to me that above could find this funny in anyway!

      • Patricia McQuestin says:

        Oh honey, I wasn’t questioning it. I was making a statement. Sweety, I wasn’t putting you down. I was telling these people they should be nice to you because making fun of the handicapped is not polite. i’ll pray for you tonight Lacey. It’s obvious you need it.

        • lacey says:

          Lmao! Ok!

        • lacey says:

          You should know God! Lol and pray for the wisdom to overcome your level of immaturity to succeed in life! Your the only one who had poked at my illness! Well beyond the ignorant comment of epilepsy not taking lives lol

  13. Kyoko Sakata says:

    Great “kick in the teeth” article! I found this hilarious! I just wish Lacey didn’t dominate the comments. Arguing on the Internet is a Super Fail.

  14. eaudryn says:

    I originally just came for all the pretty pictures, but this article’s hilarious!

  15. Lara says:

    The vulgarity is what makes this article interesting. I was entranced just to see where it was going to lead me, and halfway through, I was snickering. It is quite humorous. Props to this writer :)
    And to anyone throwing a childish tantrum, pretending to be better than everyone else because of “education”: Get off your high horse and learn to recognize a fucking joke. You look ignorant, shouting about your illnesses and trying to put other people down. I can use “astronomically humongous” words too, and it doesn’t make me better or more educated than anyone. At this point, I’m not laughing at the article, I’m laughing at you. Go get yourself some dick, it’s the best cure for whatever is making you a humorless, arrogant assface.

  16. Gowan says:

    Hilarious!
    Now, those Bento boxes are beautiful, but most mothers have other things to do with their time. Which is a good thing, as feeding one’s sense of self-worth exclusively with other mothers’ envy is risky – imagine, if the other mothers just do not care! – and will lead to depression once the kids are adults.
    I do hope no one takes this article seriously and tries to “dominate the PTA meeting” in this manner. I guess that would lead to burnout pretty soon.