In a disorienting turn of events, it was discovered last Thursday that Trinity Williams’s cool coworker Loren Joyce has a weird Instagram.
“As soon as I met Loren, I was struck by her coolness,” says Williams. “She’s smart, she’s worldly, she’s fun. We really hit it off.”
But while the pair bonded in long talks and blissful ignorance, there was trouble underway.
“It was months before I looked Loren up on Instagram,” Williams remembers. “What I found was a real shock to the system.”
Williams entered an unknown dimension as she scrolled past song lyric captions, stale memes, earnest hashtags, and unintelligible filter choices.
“A picture of flowers with the caption, ‘And this is the room/ One afternoon I knew I could love you/ And from above you how I sank into your soul’?” says Williams. “She never said Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics to me while we were talking about our childhoods or politics, this just doesn’t scan.”
The impossible task of reconciling Joyce’s in-person coolness with her Instagram weirdness sent Williams into an emotional tailspin.
“When we’re at work, she says interesting things and has good outfits,” says Williams. “What is getting lost in translation here? Where is this deranged Instagram persona coming from?”
In an attempt to come to terms with the situation, Williams is taking some distance from Joyce. However, other coworkers are less understanding of the gravity of the situation.
“Trinity is just used to having friends who all basically present themselves online in the same way as her,” says Matilde Parke. “None of this would even be an issue if Instagram didn’t exist.”
“Ugh, grow up, Matilde,” says Williams. “Instagram does exist, and Loren’s is weird.”
At press time, it remains unknown whether the great contradiction of Loren’s being will ever be fully understood.