‘I’m A Moderate,’ Says Racist Democrat

In a developing story out of Pittsburgh, 28-year-old Tanya LePaine has started to call herself a moderate despite years of just being a Democrat who is also a little bit racist.


“It’s hard to call myself a Democrat when I have some beliefs that are a little conservative,” said Tanya, whose views are only conservative when it comes to issues that affect people of color. “I just think that both sides have their strengths and we have to meet in the middle.”


Tanya, who is 100% pro-choice but thinks that Affirmative Action isn’t fair, went on to explain her new label.


“For me, being a moderate means finding the happy medium between far left and far right politics,” she explained. “Like, most of my beliefs would fall under a liberal umbrella. But I also think we need to do what we can to keep immigrants from coming into the country illegally.”


“And I don’t think that redlining neighborhoods is necessarily a bad thing, when you think about property values and how businesses are affected,” Tanya added.


Tanya’s friends are unsurprised.


“Most of Tanya’s political beliefs would technically make her a Democrat,” said Olivia Werner, a close friend. “She just got sick of us calling her out for sounding kind of racist, so she started with this ‘moderate’ shit.”


“Yeah, Tanya’s being a little obtuse about the whole thing,” said Reed Stein, another friend. “I wish she’d just be straightforward and say that she thinks people should be able to live their lives, as long as non-white people live their lives far away from her.”


“Like, just call yourself a Libertarian. It’s the same thing,” Reed added.



But Tanya disagrees.


“I’m not a racist at all!” she insisted. “I just think that we need to stop giving handouts to any old… uh, person of color.”


“In fact, you calling me a racist is the real racism,” Tanya added.