According to reports, a man in a fedora “just wants to talk” to a woman he approached at a bar.
The man had offered to buy her a “real drink” while making himself at home on the bar stool next to her, with the sole intention of having light conversation with a friendly stranger.
“I told him I was taken and wasn’t interested right off the bat,” says the woman. Witnesses observed that the man in the fedora, which cost $35 used on eBay, then doubled down on his desire to “just talk.”
“Why can’t a guy just want to talk?” he responded. “Your boyfriend lets you have friends, right?”
“He really made a big show about it,” the bartender said. “Like he was trying to prove a point.”
“People just aren’t like they used to be,” said the man in the off-brand, used fedora.
Witnesses confirm that things started to get weird around the time of the man’s third neat whiskey, where the man allegedly read her palm and told the woman she had an “old soul,” then asked if she would like to come back to his place and meet his iguana.
He then fervently insisted that he “…wasn’t trying anything.”
After the woman declined his invitation, witnesses say the man became enraged and followed her to her car while yelling, “I’m being nice to you! I’m a nice guy!” and reiterated that he “just wanted to talk!” by yelling loudly outside her car window.
The man in the fading, unwashed fedora stumbled home, but not before purchasing a fresh box of Tostino’s pizza rolls to enjoy later alone in while he jerked off to The Big Bang Theory.