Reports confirmed that your aunt Pam would like to know if that’s the way you speak to your friends, reminding you that swearing isn’t very lady-like and not everyone understands sarcasm.
While updating her Facebook album of clothing she crochets for other people’s babies, your aunt noticed you used a swear word while commenting on one of your friend’s posts. “Quit that nonsense!” she comments under your comment about wanting to bang Jon Snow, “You sound like a truck driver!”
“I just don’t understand how you’re ever going to get a husband with that language,” your aunt sighs, not knowing you are perfectly happy you are with your current fuck buddy, Paul, “But you could always try signing up for Match.com. Those guys want to settle down!”
Your aunt just shakes her head at your social media presence.
“I didn’t understand the caption,” she says after liking the Instagram of you tripping balls on shrooms and, as you wrote, were, “Finally aware of the oneness of the universe.”
“Are you ever going to move back home?” your aunt wants to know, completely disregarding your career and friends you have made as an actual adult. “I mean, I know not back in with your parents,” your aunt laughs because she thinks she is cool, “But if you ever wanted to move back to your hometown, you could live with me for a while.”
“We could have an Antonio Banderas and Nicolas Cage movie night!” your aunt exclaims, genuinely (though unfathomably) attracted to said actors without a trace of irony nor self-awareness.
“And maybe top off the night with some Grey’s Anatomy,” she whispers, grasping frantically at pop-culture references in an attempt to stay relevant to you, a person she has not made an effort to know as an adult individual.
Your aunt tagged you in a “Pray for Angels” meme, but didn’t see it show up on your Timeline.
At press time, your aunt is drafting a Facebook comment about the time you had an amazing day together when you were four years old that only she remembers.