Since therapy is expensive and your relationship with your best friend has been strained since that night you tried to convince her she was hetero-flexible, there’s only one person left to turn to: your hairdresser. We’ve picked some of the most popular topics hairdressers LOVE to talk about, so that you can unload on someone who can’t wait to hear all about it for the next hour:
1. Why your roommate is an inconsiderate bitch for leaving the hallway light on all night.
Your hairdresser, who has never actually met your roommate Molly, would love to weigh in on whether her leaving the light on was passive-aggressive subterfuge, or an honest mistake after one too many whiskey sours. Just to be safe, you should make sure to include as many details about Molly’s past infractions as possible so that she can make an informed judgment. Don’t leave out the time she “accidentally” ate your Greek yogurt, or the time she left her A/C on in her bedroom all day even though she wasn’t there.
2. Whether that anal reference in a text from your fuck buddy means that he doesn’t really respect you.
When you start to notice the ammonia fumes from your pastel blue highlights are giving you a solid day-high, whip out that iPhone and show her the booty call in question. If hairdressers aren’t the world’s foremost experts on the real meaning behind sext messages, nobody is.
3. Which color you should paint the space above your stove.
It’s literally impossible to not become emotionally invested in the interior design of a kitchen belonging to someone you only see every six weeks (or sometimes don’t see for two months like that time you couldn’t get out of bed following your horrific breakup with Max). She will be more than happy to sound off on what will and won’t work. Bonus points if you bring in the last three back-issues of Dwell for inspiration because hairdressers prefer to work off of photo examples.
4. If your mom actually likes your sister Melinda better than you.
You don’t need to be a family therapist to see the rampant favoritism your mother has played toward Melinda. They spend hours working on craft projects they found on Pinterest while indulging in each other’s narcissism. At least you’re capable of forming healthy female relationships, like with the girl who gave you those perfect Coachella tresses last summer.
5. Your complaints about your weed stash getting low.
Aside from being a relatable gripe, she might actually be able to score some pot for you (think about the circles hairdressers run in!). The first time you bring it up, make it seem like a joke, but eventually you should point out that no, really, you need to get smoked out to get over the breakup with Max.
For further insight into topics hairdressers like, we caught up with Vanessa Cancimoni during her smoke break outside of Cheveux. “I’m really not qualified to give advice on how to hide a herpes breakout in time for your big date night or comment on whether your relationship with your father is the reason why you’re bi-curious, but hey I’ll take a stab at it.”