It’s that time of year: Time for petit fours, ribbon hats, and small talk with somebody’s grandma about why you aren’t married yet. So while you’re spending precious summer weekends chafing in polyester sundresses and constipated from endless cream cheese sandwiches, repeat these mantras from the woman who gets us through it all – Beyoncé!
1. “I know she was attractive, but I was here first.” – “Resentment”
This defiant line from Beyoncé’s early solo album will help you remember that even though it’s long over between you and your friend’s fiancé, and you’re still forced to spend hundreds of dollars celebrating their union, you’ll always have that cocaine-fueled one-night stand you shared back in 2006.
2. “I only allow myself one day to feel sorry for myself.” – Complex Magazine, 2011
Make today the day you feel really, really sorry for yourself. Everyone around you is either drunk in love or too drunk on Bellinis to notice, and here you are, miserable and alone, forced to watch the bride-to-be open bread maker after bread maker. Make the most out of this day by spending every second dwelling on all the wrong turns you made in love and life. If Beyoncé can do it, you can do it.
3. Boy, I’m drinking, I’m singing on the mic to my boy toys /
Then I fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfbort.
– “Drunk In Love”
When you’re stuck sipping Earl Grey tea in a non-air-conditioned country club basement, you can occupy yourself by contemplating what the hell Beyoncé is talking about with these lyrics. Is it about a hallucination? Is it a reference to some kind of sex activity? Is the bridal shower over? Excellent.
4. “I kept telling myself, OK, this is not about you. You have to do this for them. You have to do this for history.” – Piers Morgan Tonight, 2011
Bridal showers, like singing at the first black president’s inauguration, can be powerful and overwhelming. But unless you’re the bride, maid-of-honor, or the pregnant lady at the shower, it’s not going to be about you. So rather than tear apart the lace tablecloths, you have to hold your head high. Yank up that strapless bra, suck down a spritzer, and clap at every sentimental greeting card like it really, truly matters. In the words of Queen Bey, you have to do this for history.
5. If I were a boy, even just for a day / I’d roll outta bed in the morning, and throw on what I wanted and go.
– “If I Were A Boy”
If YOU were a boy, you wouldn’t be at this dumb bridal shower. You’d probably be celebrating the upcoming wedding at some strip club with the other boys, waving grimy dollar bills at a 19-year-old aspiring model named Dallas from Jersey City who just wants to be back at home watching The Blacklist. Doesn’t that sound refreshing? No? Maybe this just sucks for everyone.