This past election season, Donald Trump made one thing clear: Anyone can run for office and win if you’re rich, white, male and a celebrity! We’ve heard campaign rumors from the likes of Kid Rock, The Rock and even Cynthia Nixon. Well now the competition is ON, celebs, because there’s a new politico in town: That’s right, this celebrity with actual shit running down his leg is running for office!
This celebrity, a registered Republican who has actual literal shit running out of his pants and down his leg, made the announcement on Tuesday after rumors started swirling following his registration with the FEC.
Though his background in politics consists solely of performing at a Trump rally, this celebrity with hot wet clumpy shit streaming down his legs says he is “…very excited to take on this new endeavor.”
“I’m not a politician,” he said in his announcement, just as shit slid down his leg and splooshed onto the stage. “But that’s what this country needs. Fewer politicians and more celebrities, like me, who took a fat dump in their pants a few minutes back and are now dealing with the consequences.”
Fans were quick to voice their excitement, while critics pointed out that he had no experience with government, and that shit was currently pouring down his leg like some sort of shit faucet. That didn’t stop them from screaming, “WE FUCKING LOVE YOU!” and “FOUR MORE YEARS,” even though, if elected, he would be serving a two-year term.
But despite the critics, this shitty shit-streaked celeb has already racked up plenty of dedicated voters.
“I can’t wait to vote for this celebrity with sticky sick shit dripping down his leg,” says one voter. “Honestly, I’d vote for any celebrity whether they’ve got shit on their leg, their arm, in their hair. Hell, a celebrity could throw their big shit in my face and I’d still vote for them. I love celebrities! Don’t really pay attention to politics, though.”
Those on the other side of the aisle were skeptical, though still open to the possibility that unconventional candidates could help get the country back on track.
“The world is a mess right now,” says Marcy Franks, a registered Independent. “But like nine times out of ten I’d vote for a literal piece of shit than what we have to choose from. So, I don’t know, I guess I’m interested to hear what he has to say about the country and also about the steaming hot shit that’s running down his leg literally always.”
The DNC was quick to respond to the matter.
“So you’re saying we have to beat a guy with no political experience who’s literally covered in his own shit?” said one DNC represented. “We’re going to have to find an anti-abortion candidate to run against him. That’s the only way.”