To many straight women, the coveted ability to find a homosexual in a haystack is shrouded in mystery, a sacred skill few are born with. But nothing could be further from the truth for Marley Anderson, a straight girl drunk off craft beer at Slarney’s Pub.
“The secret to a good gaydar,” Anderson loud-whispered while waiting in line for the pub’s single bathroom stall, “Is to look for all the gay signs we learned – you know, the ones from television and movies in the nineties!”
She then winked and held up a limp-wristed hand for emphasis.
Anderson, who has reclaimed the title “fruit fly” to fight the stigma against straight women who fetishize gay men, promotes the idea that gaydar is an acquirable skill. In fact, for many straight women, she asserted that perfecting your gaydar is but a question of exercising the harmful homophobic stereotypes that you already harbor (not so deep) inside!
To illustrate her point, Anderson dragged her gay best friend Ken into the interview.
“All you gots ‘ta ask yourself is, ‘Does he look gay? Does he sound gay?’” she slurred, gesturing to Ken’s salmon Bermuda shorts and boat shoes. “It’s never failed me.”
Looking for telltale signs like flamboyant fashion, a high voice and cattiness are a surefire way to buff up your gaydar, according to Anderson. Practice makes perfect, so don’t be scared to ask men who ping your gaydar – strangers, even – if your speculation is correct.
“Just listen to your heart,” Anderson said, cutting Ken off as he was explaining that the Bermuda shorts are actually his fraternity’s dress code. “And eventually, you’ll be able to pick out the queen in every crowd.”
But what’s the point of honing your gaydar, anyway? For one, it could help you find the gay best friend of your dreams.
Nobody understands her sorrows like her “GBF,” Anderson explained, after equating her low self-esteem to the systemic homophobia that Ken endures day to day. And unlike her straight girl friends – who she calls her “girlfriends” – Ken doesn’t want or need to talk about his personal issues, he just prefers to listen to hers!
“If my advice can help just one straight girl find a GBF like mine, this interview will be worth it,” Anderson bravely admitted, now sniffling while patting Ken on the head. “Just ask yourself: Does he – or she! ‘Cause girls can be gay too – does she look gay?’”
When asked what recommendations she has for identifying queers of any variety other than gay men, Anderson declined to comment.