Girl Not Drunk, Just Has Feelings

The Newport, VA community is shocked today after a lengthy investigation into the recent emotional behavior of 22-year-old woman, Carly Smalls, revealed she was not inebriated, but rather just “feeling things.” Officials say that despite spending an entire evening saying things like, “I really appreciate your friendship” and “We should definitely hang out more,” she was somehow not super drunk at the time.


In a statement just released, Police Chief Henry Carter claims, “Blood alcohol tests reveal that Ms. Smalls is, in fact, stone-cold sober. This is something we have never seen before, but she is simply able to express her emotions…out loud…with her mouth…in a clear, direct manner.”


At 11:30 PM Thursday, police responded to a call about a young woman at Jackson’s Pub. According to witness testimony, “Farrah was just like ‘Go home, Carly, you’re drunk!” But after consenting to a Breathalyzer test, Smalls had no trace alcohol in her system. Psychologists confirmed that Smalls possesses a rare quality to express her emotions using her words, or “speak what she feels.”


“Most people need to be inebriated in order to access the emotional center of the brain,” says psychotherapist Dr. Adina Hall. “However, this woman is displaying the ability to tell people she loves how she feels about them in a state of sobriety. This is highly unusual.”


“It’s amazing,” says Jackson’s Pub bartender, Carl. “I’ve been working here all my life and never seen a thing like it. She didn’t order a single drink, but still told me I was a good listener.”


A witness to the event states, “She’s 22. We just assumed.”



Dr. Clark Jamesman of the Center for Mental Disease Control at New York University adds that Smalls also has no signs of a mental disorder of any kind. “It’s clear: She’s a total anomaly,” says Dr. Jamesman.


But Smalls is “always weird like that,” according to Farrah Carlos, her alleged “lifelong bestie for life.” “She just has feelings and says them out loud when she feels them. When I start to get emotions, I let Jack Daniels say them for me.”


Smalls was still taken into custody. According to reports, police were so confused that they decided to book her anyway.


When asked to comment, Smalls had just this to say: “Sometimes I just like to remind my friends that I respect and care about them. I find it overwhelming and unfair that I’m being arrested but will cooperate calmly because I’m not drunk.”