A new personal genomics and biotechnology company has released its first DNA kit, which promises to uncover the genetic likelihood of becoming the one girl who always becomes overwhelmingly intoxicated at weddings.
“Not just happy drunk,” says one spokesperson for the company. “But like, so far gone that everyone else’s good time is in serious jeopardy drunk? You know, that girl.”
For just $199, participants can spit into a sterile shot glass and mail it to the lab in a prepaid package. Three to five weeks later, they get an in-depth report outlining the genetic probability, if any, of slurring during toasts, crying into wine glasses, and requesting the Isley Brothers “Shout.”
Biomedical scientist Linda Amara, Ph.D., was the first to discover the telltale mutation in the WDD1 gene, which is found in every individual who makes a mess of things at an otherwise lovely reception.
“I was originally researching gluten intolerance,” Dr. Amara stated, “but based on personal experience I realized how crucial this information could be for families across the country. I wasn’t surprised to find out my sister was a carrier.”
The testing company has already received positive reviews. Sarah Albertson, 28, believes it saved her from serious embarrassment at her friend Casey’s wedding last spring.
“If it weren’t for that test, I wouldn’t have known how terribly my wedding-specific social anxiety mixes with my access to an open bar,” says Albertson. “Sure, I could have guessed based on what happened at Paul’s wedding, but it’s comforting to know my meltdown was genetically out of my control.”
The mutated WDD1 gene can be traced via maternal haplogroups spanning multiple generations, dating back to the first inclusion of alcohol at wedding ceremonies. In partnership with ancestry.com, customers can opt to receive newspaper clippings, letters, and recorded journal entries that reference ancestors who also carried WEDD1.
“I pieced together what happened to my great-grandmother Olga Peters when her second cousin Alfred got married,” says Lucy Krasnevitz of Annapolis, MD. “Apparently she drank so much vodka that she harassed everyone who sat out the “Skoda lásky” polka, sang the ‘100 Years’ song super off-key, then finished the night by tripping and falling onto the wedding cake. There are a lot of inspiring women in my family, but I guess every generation has their drunk girl at weddings.”
Due to the anticipated success of these DNA kits, scientists are also developing a separate test that determines the likelihood of gossiping about the deceased at a funeral.