The best kinds relationships begin when you least expect it—like at 10:43 PM in your local bar’s dimly lit bathroom, where you’re sobbing over Brad for the sixth night in a row. One minute, you’re choking back tears after some wall graffiti totally knows you and Brad’s disorderly relationship, and the next minute, a girl walks in, curls up next to you under the hand dryer, and says you deserve so much better. The more you talk, the more you figure out how much you have in common: like how your favorite drunchie is pepperoni pizza (oh my god!), how you both got your dresses at Forever 21 (OH MY GOD), and how you’re both have had soooo much to drink (OH MY GOD!!!!). Then, she hugs you and tells you she loves you. But wait! Will your Fireball-induced friendship pass the test of time and the stalls? Here are a few signs to look out for:
She compliments your fresh-as-hell outfit—and your snaggle tooth.
Your bathroom bestie will inevitably smother you in a string of compliments on your impeccable hairstyle and clothing choice, but you will know she really loves you when she finds the sideways tooth in front of your first molar beautiful, the one that Brad always hated. True love is loving someone because of their flaws, not in spite of them. Your lil’ snaggle tooth can say goodbye to Brad’s gross tongue and hello to this girl’s Listerine strip, which she has so generously given you after your third barf!
Your mirror selfies are on her Instagram and in her locket
There’s no better way to make all your exes jealous than posting an array of #flawless selfies on social media. But love isn’t vying for the acceptance of your peers (or Brad); it’s perfectly content in the privacy of your girl’s gold locket. Bonus points if your backwards-upside-down peace sign pic took the place of Grandma’s wedding photo! #squadgoals
She’s not the attendant.
The bathroom attendants are the fairy godmothers of trashy nights out. Instead of glass slippers and dresses made from volunteer bird labor, they hand you all the perfume you need to hide the stench of that triple whiskey shot you were dared to take. As good as the attendant makes you feel, it’s nothing personal. She’s like the Brad of bathrooms—cheap gifts without the intimacy. So if your lit ladyfriend isn’t actually the attendant, there’s a good chance her love is for real.
She pinky promised you to be “so completely over men forever”… and meant it.
Bar bathrooms see many sworn promises to “never, ever, ever date a stupid boy ever again”, but few of those promises last beyond seven minutes of leaving the bathroom. If your plastered lady pal really loves you, she meant what she said by being “totally done with dudes forever” and will have room to focus all her attention and future plans on you. It’s so refreshing when people actually keep their promises, unlike Brad, who swore he’d stop liking football but clearly still likes football. What a snake!!
If any of the statements above feel right for you and your barfhouse bestie, congratulations—the love is real! You and Whatshername for life!!! Suck on that, Brad!
