It’s fall, which means it’s time for you to get your shit together, Mariah. The colors are changing which means your wardrobe needs to as well, but let’s start smaller than that. Make sure you look sharp, or at the very least like you are a fully functioning human being, by following our quick and painfully easy list of 100 things you could do to look like you give a shit, Mariah.
1: Shave your legs. I realize some women don’t do it, but you’re not one of those, are you Mariah?
2: Tweeze your eyebrows. It looks like The Congo up there, Mariah.
3: Eat your fruits and vegetables. Seriously, anything is better than Bugles. Stop wearing them on your hands and calling them witch fingers. Eat a grape.
4: Eat in general. You’re wasting away. Are you anorexic? You look beautiful already… or at least you could with an ounce of effort.
5: Brush your hair. I think I see your car keys in there.
6: Blow your nose. I feel like you should want to do this one, for your own comfort.
7: Put on a bra. Here, I’ll grab one for you… wait, did you throw them away?
8: Turn on some lights. Even the porch light would be a good sign.
9: Did you see my Snapchat from Chipotle last night? You HAVE to see it!
10: I would say you should take a shower, but the shower needs to be cleaned. Why is there a bucket of dry paint in there?
11: Now take a shower.
12: Brush your teeth. I think your canines are turning yellow.
13: Take off that necklace before your choke yourself. On second thought, keep it on; you need something to distract people.
14: Is it possible for pimples to come together and make a super pimple? I think your forehead acne is converging.
15: Stretch. Your muscles will atrophy is you don’t get out of this bed. Maybe just roll over?
16: Clip a toenail. Any toenail.
17: Wear deodorant. Perhaps just open it if putting it on is too hard?
18: Look out the window. Do you even know what day it is?
19: Wash your hands. I can bring you a bottle of Purell?
20: Oh my god. Throw out whatever is in your fridge. Your food is growing new food on it.
21: Look in the mirror. If the Mariah I remember is still in there, she will know change needs to happen.
22: Buy a new mirror; that one broke. Wait, is this a drawer of broken mirrors?
23: Open the blinds. Don’t stand in front of them, though. Think of what seeing you could do to the neighbors.
24: Scratch yourself. You’re making me itchy.
25: Put on Chapstick.
26: Stop eating the Chapstick.
27: Watch Orange Is The New Black. Trust me.
28: Um… are you going to the bathroom? That feels like something we need to address in the short term.
29: Give me 50 cents. I’m parked in front of a meter.
30: Throw some of this garbage away. I couldn’t even open your front door all the way. I hit a birdcage. What happened to the bird?
31: Trim your fingernails. Maybe just one hand at a time? I can even do it for you.
32: Follow the United States/ISIS conflict. It’s important.
33: Cut your bangs. You can’t pull it off.
34: Give me your HBO GO password.
35: Wash some of these dishes. Even children can wash dishes.
36: Moisturize your elbows. Do you enjoy looking like you fell in a bucket of chalk?
37: Get on Tinder. It’s really fun!
38: For god’s sake, Mariah, turn off the air conditioner in the living room if you’re just going to stay in your room. That’s wasteful.
39: Get off of the floor.
40: Stop tickling me.
41: Get that spot checked out. Jesus Christ, Mariah that could be a melanoma.
42: Put a hair tie around your wrist. That way people will at least think you might one day care enough to put your hair up.
43: Hang this Matisse print. It was a total steal at that flea market and would make your room look great, at least the part of the room with the painting on it.
44: Smell that thing on your hand. I would do it but I’m scared.
45: Shave your upper lip. I shouldn’t have to tell you this.
46: Turn off Jerry Maguire. Chris is never coming back.
47: Let me know if any of this is sinking in.
48: Have you blinked?
49: Take the leaves out of your hair. Where did those come from?
50: Put something other than “cheese” on your grocery list.
51: Good, you’ve at least put on some mascara. What? That’s not mascara? Then why…
52: Shave your arms… hand… finger?
53: Wear those jeans with this top. Oh, who am I kidding? We’re light years away from picking an outfit.
54: Get your car washed. Don’t you care about your Honda Fit’s resale value?
55: My god, you haven’t tweeted in days. At least favorite something so I know you’re okay.
56: Put on Chapstick. I know I said that one already, but it bears repeating.
57: Pick up your mother from the airport. It’s been three days. Now you’re just being selfish.
58: Pick something other than this Tori Amos Pandora station.
59: If you’re not going to watch my West Wing DVDs, just give them back.
60: Either go see Book of Mormon or sell these tickets. Can I just have them?
61: Update your Facebook profile picture. Seriously, Mariah, it’s like three clicks.
62: Use a new facial cleanser. You haven’t adequately rinsed off the old one and those beads are visible on your face.
63: Cuticles. That’s all I’m going to say.
64: You don’t just get to NOT do your laundry, Mariah.
65: Finish your romance novel. I realize that may seem impossible in your current state, but it’s important to have stretch goals.
66: Donate to my Gilmore Girls movie Kickstarter.
67: Never say never. A bit esoteric, but true nonetheless.
68: Wave back at a person. It feels good to everyone. We all win.
69: Use your turn signal. This one might seem lame, but remember, I’ve committed to 100 of these.
70: Have your ID ready when we get to the bar so you don’t have to spend 20 goddamn minutes looking for it. You ruined Courtney’s birthday.
71: You don’t have to put your mouth on his penis, but at least tell him it looks nice. Is that so hard?
72: Get a new purse. You KNOW I had that one first.
73: Less glitter. Actually, more glitter. You know what? Just pick a glitter direction and go with it. You’re in Glitter Limbo. Glimbo?
74: Update iTunes. It’s the only way to make that notification go away.
75: Make your name a larger font on your resume. Do something that says you know how to use Microsoft Word.
76: What’s dripping from the ceiling fan?
77: Stop, drop, and roll. You should just always have this in the back of your mind.
78: Use a squeegee on your windows the next time you’re filling up on gas. You’re not doing anything else while you wait!
79: Tell me I’m doing a good job. I just need to hear it.
80: Offer to pay the tip at dinner. Key word being “offer.” You don’t actually have to do it.
82: With your lips closed.
83: Crest Whitening Strips.
84: Dye a strand of your hair or add a colored extension. It’s easy and says “Wow! This girl might have a personality!” Might.
85: Still undecided on what to do about your tattoos. I’ll get back to you.
86: Do you even have floss?
87: Get the water heater fixed. Your landlord should do it; all you have to do is call him.
88: I don’t know if you can get rid of cankles, but you should try.
89: Two words: Thigh Gap.
90: Cover your knees. Nobody on earth has attractive knees.
91: Don’t drink and drive. Seriously, this one is no joke.
92: Bring an umbrella when it’s raining, Mariah. Even if you don’t use it (WHY NOT?) someone else might.
93: Get a reusable water bottle and stop drinking from puddles.
94: Look me in the eye when I’m talking to you, young lady.
95: Men’s basketball shorts to a Panera? REALLY?
96: Breathe less. I’ve never seen a person breathe like you.
97: Balance out your jacket zipper. Two seconds.
98: Get up before noon. Oh Mariah…
99: Sit up straight. You’re not a fucking boxer.
100: Do you, babe.