If you still haven’t gotten the fat ass you need to rock this year’s bikini season, you may think it’s too late. But it’s not! All you need to do is follow the three easy steps below and you’ll be ordering two different-sized bikinis in no time: one size for the top, and three sizes bigger for the bottom. Aw, yeah! Here’s how to do it:
1. Eat Frozen Dairy Until it’s Not Fun Anymore
Eat gelato and ice cream and whatever related products you can get your hands on and eat it directly out of the container, being careful to also lick the lid. Eat the whole thing in one sitting. During your creamy feast, drop the lid on the floor at least once. Bend down to pick it up. See? You did a squat! Just remember: when people ask you where you got that ass, don’t let them know how hard you worked. Tell them it’s natural!
2. Sit All Day at Work
For this one, you might not have to do anything special, since you might already sit all day at work. Just, for the love of god, don’t bike to work or go for a long walk at lunch. Commit to the sit, and you’ll see results in no time! “But what if I don’t want a fat ass?” you might be wondering. Well, if you don’t understand by now the value of having a generally lean body and a monster butt, you’re beyond help.
3. Wear a Butt Girdle
These things exist. Sometimes they go by another name, like “booty lifter” or “butt bra,” so do your research. And they train your butt to grow up and out, not down, away, and wherever. Do you have to wear your butt girdle at the beach? Ideally, no. But can you? It depends on the swimsuit, and if you plan to be photographed by the paparazzi. Either way, this one’s a no-brainer, all-butt-er!
You want your string bikini bottom straining to hold in a jumbo ham, and you want that as soon as possible. Now get out there and fatten up because summer’s half-over already!