I Don’t Want to Talk Shit, But Here Goes

Listen, I don’t want to talk shit because I know that negatively talking about someone behind their back is an immature way of expressing frustration, but is it just me or is Kelsey kind of stupid? I mean, I love her to death, and she definitely has her strengths, but I feel like her IQ must be like 32 or something.


I would totally say this to her face; I’m just saying it to yours first because I don’t want to talk shit.


I’m just worried about her. I mean, did she have any undiagnosed learning disabilities growing up? Did she sustain a massive head injury? Was she ever kidnapped by sadistic torturers who played horrible mind games? Because last week at the wine bar, she asked me what 10 percent of $10 was. And like, okay, I’m not great at math either, and I don’t want to needlessly drag someone’s name through the mud, but she can’t even move a decimal point? What is she, part dog? She explained that when she’s at dinner with Trevor, he always figures out the tip, which is so sad because I always thought she was more progressive than that. I love her though.


Seriously, I hate talking shit about people, but I’m going to keep doing it right now.



Was she homeschooled? Or like, were her parents super religious? Do you think she even self-identifies as a feminist? I mean deep down in my heart, I know I shouldn’t judge others for the situations they were raised in, and this is definitely not judgment at all, but lately I just feel like she’s been kind of fake. I swear I’m not trying to be a bitch, and I don’t even like talking shit, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was one of those people who say, “I love women, but I don’t consider myself a feminist.”


This is NOT talking shit; this is venting. I need to vent about how much Kelsey is full of shit.


I mean I do not like to talk trash about people at all, but doesn’t she strike you as one of those boring sorority girls who tries way too hard to seem interesting? Remember when she got that tattoo? She got that feather tattoo like nanoseconds after feather tattoos became cool. And you know how she says she “doesn’t drink” coffee, like it’s some kind of stance on something? It’s like “No, Kelsey, you have underdeveloped taste buds and you’re just too immature to appreciate it.”


I feel bad for her, you know?


Not to talk shit because she’s one of my best friends and I can’t imagine life without her friendship, but the poor thing needs to put a crazy amount of effort into not being utterly repellent. Frankly, I don’t know if she has any other friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t. Again, I’m really not trying to be a bitch. I’m not telling you anything that I wouldn’t say right to her face if she were asleep or in a coma maybe. I love her to death.


But please, don’t tell her I said any of this. I’d hate to think you were the kind of person who would talk shit.