Study Shows Women Have Happier Relationships When Their Partners Aren’t Massive Douchebags

Photo by Kelley Leigh Karp

Think that your girlfriend likes it when you promise you’ll pick her up from the dentist, but then forget because you’re playing Call of Duty? Think again! A surprising new study conducted by Columbia University revealed that women are happier in relationships when their partners aren’t massive douchebags.


“We were caught off guard by the results,” says Dr. Robert J. Mann, the lead researcher of the study. “We’d just assumed women were more than satisfied with being in a relationship with someone who holds them down and farts on them because it’s supposed to be funny. This will inform a lot of our research going forward.”


The study results challenge the convention that women are totally cool with dating someone who makes them feel like shit most of the time, whether by constantly commenting on the attractiveness of other women, or asking their partner to get a boob job. Up until now, scientists even believed that it was desirable among large groups of women to have a partner who refuses to introduce them to any of his friends for over a year.


The study was conducted by comparing the overall happiness of one group of women who were all dating massive shitheads against another group of women who were in relationships with men who treated them like normal human beings. Overwhelmingly, the women who were given basic human considerations and respect were happier.


“Basically in layman’s terms, it would seem that women don’t like being treated like day old dog shit,” explained Dr. Mann. “So, if you wait three days to text your girlfriend back because you feel like it’ll make her want you more, scientifically speaking, your girlfriend would be happier if you didn’t do that.”


So why are women happier when they’re not treated like shit all the time? “We honestly have no idea,” says Dr. Mann. “The results were a complete surprise to us. We’re still trying to figure out how and why this is.”


What will we find out women like next? Orgasms???