Study Finds There Just Aren’t Enough Places to Buy Soft Pretzels

In a recently released study from Stanford University, the nation’s top researchers have come to the devastating but expected conclusion that there just are not enough places to buy soft pretzels. 


“After years of research, we have determined that Auntie Anne’s and Wetzel’s Pretzels are doing God’s work while everyone else just seems to be slacking off,” lead researcher Dr. Evelyn Jones said. “This has lead to a profoundly felt deficit in places to grab a salty, thick, and chewy soft pretzel.” 


Shortly after the report came out, the CEOs of the two pretzel giants released a joint statement thanking the researchers for bringing light to this issue. 


“It’s about time someone noticed we’ve been carrying shopping malls on our backs for decades now,” read the statement. “We’ve been taken for granted for far too long and this recognition has been long overdue.” 


Somewhat controversially, the report also made some recommendations and suggestions for Auntie Anne’s and Wetzel’s Pretzels moving forward as they attempt to address these findings.



Researchers found that if the two companies expanded their reach beyond half empty shopping malls, there would be more of an opportunity to purchase soft pretzels on a regular basis. The report even recommended that the stores open standalone locations and expand to drive thru service. 


“Just a few simple business maneuvers would really go a long way to solving this issue,” said Dr. Tammy Tart. “There’s so much more each of them could be doing to expand their reach across the nation. These findings will change the soft pretzel industry for years to come.”


We caught up with local mall patrons to get their take on the study, many of whom agreed with its results. 


“I literally only come here to buy pretzels,” said suburban mall goer Maven Fields. “Otherwise, this place is just old department stores and depressing empty storefronts. If there was a standalone Auntie Anne’s in my area, this place would be useless.” 


Researchers concluded the report by urging the public to support its closest soft pretzel establishment as soon as possible or even consider opening up their own stores.


“Be the change you want to see in the world,” wrote Dr. Jones and Tart. “Together, we can make soft pretzels more widely available for everyone.”