Someone pop the champagne because sources are confirming that 25-year-old lesbian Gia Ferraro is finally breaking out the good sports bra to celebrate a special occasion tonight: her birthday.
“I’ve had this dinner planned for months, and I knew I really had to show out for all of my friends,” Gia told reporters, while admiring her clean, slick bra straps in her bedroom mirror. “Everything about this outfit has to be perfect, elevated. Tonight is not the night for a normal bra.”
According to sources close to Gia, she spends most of her days in one of three extremely ratty, old sports bras, two of which are from Nike’s 1980s line, and one of which is from Old Navy, or so she assumes.
“I actually don’t know where I got that one,” she said, pointing to the graying bra, which used to have a logo that has now been washed clean off. “I’ve kind of had it for as long as I can remember. That’s the one I just wear around the house, though. And also outside really often.”
Gia reportedly spent about 30 minutes choosing her outfit – a pair of patterned pants paired with a slightly elevated long-sleeve button-down – and was about to start getting dressed when she realized it was time to go even bigger.
“I only turn 26 once,” she said into the mirror. “It’s time for the rings and the nice bra.”
She then put on two extra rings, which were pretty nondescript, and took a folded, white Nike sports bra from deep in her dresser, holding it gingerly, like a newborn baby taking its first breaths.
Gia maintains that she only wears this bra on special occasions because it’s honestly a little too tight.
“I can’t wear it for too long or it starts to hurt,” she continued, pulling it on. “Which means I don’t wear it unless it’s a super nice occasion, like a birthday or a dog’s birthday.”
As soon as Gia made an entrance into her birthday party, her friends could tell something was different about her.
“Wait, are you wearing the Good Bra?” her best friend, Raina Montgomery, pulled her aside to whisper. “Your confidence is off the charts right now.”
Gia chuckled knowingly, patted Raina on the back, and replied, “It’s a special night,” which told Raina all she needed to know.
As of press time, Gia had to take off the Good Bra because it had gotten kind of constricting. She replaced it with “Old Faithful,” which is what she calls the bad one.
