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You Snooze, You Lose! I Bought All the Flour for My Big-Ass Roux

‘We Bet You’ve Got Time For Us Now, Motherfucker,’ Asserts Duolingo

Boyfriend Has Two Master’s Degrees But Doesn’t Wash the Back of Plates

How to Walk With Confidence From Your Bedroom to the Kitchen

Hospitals Urging More Women to Give Birth in Uber on the Way Over

How to Not Work Out At All Bitch I’m Suffering!!

Incredible! Pet Psychic Intuits They All Want More Food

Hulu Releases Horniest Show Ever Just in Time to Make Everyone’s Lives Worse

Torn Nation Comes Together to Hate Baby

Huh! Guy Who Skullfucked You is Religious Now

House Slippers Now Grosser Than Outside Shoes

Journaling Promoted to Full-time Job

Nutritionists Recommend Eating a Few More of Whatever in Closest Reach

Here Are Three Meals That Use Five Pots Because What The Fuck Else Are You Doing

I LIVED IT: My Arms Are Too Weak to Buy Things in Bulk

Woman With Dog Sad About Quarantine?

How to Tell If You Have Coronavirus Without Wasting a Perfectly Good Test That Could Be Used for Timothée Chalamet

Aunt Betty Finds Another Way To Misspell ‘Quarantine’

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