Having trouble purchasing new clothing in a way that feels sustainable, ethical, and environmentally friendly? That’s actually fine! According to a new study conducted by the University of Michigan, the best way to dress sustainably isn’t by being an informed and thoughtful buyer, but rather by wearing the ugly clothes you already own!
“We received a lot of blowback after publishing these results,” said Dr. Patricia Russell, the lead researcher of the study. “Nobody wants to wear what’s already in their closet, especially when it’s fuck-ugly.”
The study results have shifted the onus of sustainability from being a responsible consumer to halting your clothing consumption altogether and putting on those plaid Bermuda shorts in the back of your closet.
Up until now, scientists believed that being a sustainable consumer meant shopping from ethically-minded companies, buying your clothing second-hand, or even just sticking to the go-to staples you already have in your wardrobe. However, the results of this study show that in order to be truly sustainable, you must go further than that: In order to be a truly sustainable consumer, you must wear the most god-awful, hideous, breathtakingly foul items of clothing you have in your closet.
“Basically, we want to see those peplum tops you’ve been holding onto since middle school, the pants that don’t fit quite right but you never got around to returning, the deep V-necks, the too-small blazers, you name it!” explained Dr. Russell. “Also, we can tell if you’re not wearing your ugliest stuff, and we’re disappointed in your lack of commitment to the well-being of our planet.”
So, the next time you’re thinking about heading over to the thrift store to refresh your wardrobe, don’t. The environment is counting on you to make do with what’s already in your closet, and we’re counting on your poorly cropped nylon gauchos to make us laugh.
Nothing says “sustainability” like the weird, neon high school cross country T-shirt that you forgot you had! Go ahead, put it on! Your planet will thank you.