Show-Off From Hometown Already On Second Divorce

According to a recently released Facebook post, Patricia Petersen, by far the biggest showoff from the East Lansing High School Class of 2004, isn’t even 35 yet and is already getting divorced for the second time.


As a child and well into her teen years, Patricia, then called Patty Samuels, was always the first to do everything: She was the first student in her grade to get her braces off, the first girl to start wearing a bra, and according to rumor, the first to get her period.


Now, she’ll be the first person from her high school class to have two ex-husbands. Typical Patricia.


“It’s honestly so like her. She just always needs to outdo everyone,” grumbled Mindy Collins, an acquaintance of Patricia’s who is happily married to her college boyfriend and expecting their first child in three months. “Whatever someone else has one of, Trish has to have two. That bitch just wants to make us all look bad.”


Over the years, as she transitioned from Ms. Samuels to Mrs. Connors back to Ms. Samuels and then to Mrs. Petersen, Patricia seemed to relish her status as the most advanced woman in her age group. She flaunted not only her engagement rings and pregnancies, but the car she purchased with alimony payments from her first husband, and the lavish honeymoon provided by her second.


Now, she has two kids by two different fathers, while many of her peers are back to living with their own parents because of the pandemic. It really puts everyone else’s accomplishments to shame.


“Those Facebook statuses are so passive-aggressive. They might seem like sincere thoughts about the painful nature of relationships, an update to the friends and family who care about her, but underneath she just wants everyone to know she’s gotten two men to propose to her,” sniped Lola Rodriguez, another former member of Patricia’s circle. “And OK, yeah, the marriages didn’t work out and maybe she really needs some support and I haven’t called her since her first wedding but why should I be the bigger person just because she’s the one going through a crisis?”


Many in Patricia’s network reported feelings of inadequacy following her announcement. Their accomplishments — grad school, travel, exciting careers — paled in comparison to her ambitious plundering of the Lansing marriage market.


When reached for comment, Patricia responded, “I’m just trying to do the best I can, be the best possible version of myself, and I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but who hasn’t?” She then added, “but you know who actually hasn’t? Sari Sorentino. She’s never done anything. Kind of a weird loner, but you didn’t hear that from me…”