It was a Wednesday afternoon like any other. I asked if anyone in the office knew who drank my last yogurt drink. That’s when Marilyn, the staff accountant, said, “Some people actually label their food in the fridge.” This happens all too often; a woman tries to take a stand, but instead of being direct, she’ll be timid and passive-aggressive.
I know that we, as women, can do better. It’s time we drop the nasty words, pick up our weapons, turn our backs toward each other and pace in opposite directions for a good old-fashioned duel.
Let me be clear, I don’t want women to fight each other. It would be nice if we could all uplift and support our fellow women. But the world isn’t a perfect place, and woman-on-woman conflict is inevitable. If we can’t outright prevent these disputes, the best we can do is be real and fight honorably, with swords and/or pistols.
I know what you’re thinking – “That could get… deadly.” But a duel doesn’t even have to be fought to the death! Plenty of honorable sword duels are only fought until the first blood is drawn. So even if you don’t execute your dueling opponent, you can rest assured that even a little jab with your rapier will clearly get the message across that you have a grievance.
A gun duel, however, is much more likely to result in death or serious injury. So save these types of duels for fights that are REALLY worthwhile – like someone threatening to hurt your child, or taking too long in the Starbucks line. Don’t just sigh loudly and assume they’ll “get it”. Slap their face with your dueling glove and make it count.
Other benefits of dueling include a spike in social status and self-esteem. Anyone can say mean things about another person, but honestly that’ll just make you perseverate on them and feel like shit. If you go full-on Aaron Burr on a bitch, not only will you get the aggression out of your system, but people will notice you! Enjoy the newfound confidence boost.
What if you don’t win? Well; that can get tricky. Nothing is more embarrassing than challenging someone to a duel only to bleed out on the floor. Can we say social/actual suicide? Losing a duel is a real possibility, so it’s a good idea to take care of your personal affairs before engaging in one. Just whip up a last will and testament, pray (if you’re into that sorta thing), and go for it! Big risks come with big rewards, and this might be the only way to really let go of the negativity and live in the moment. In the end, live or die, you’ll at least know that you stood up against another woman without resorting to that typical passive-aggressive girly bullshit like texting all your mutual friends and giving them the cold shoulder.
So the next time a woman makes a snide remark at you, don’t just glare angrily! Simply challenge her to a duel at high noon. Last woman standing is the victor. Just imagine how much better the world would be if we traded passive-aggressive hate with dueling. No more petty insults, no more mean sarcasm and no more clashing with other women unless you’re both ready to seriously duke it out ‘til the bitter end. I think that’s a world we’d all like to live in.