After over a year of reflecting on how to present himself in a slowly reopening world, Max McCormick has decided to shake up his life by being—as far as he can tell—the first guy to have the idea to grow a mustache.
Max shared in elaborate, unsolicited detail how he was inspired to not shave the part of his face between his nose and his mouth.
“I was shaving my beard, right?” Max said. “And then once I shaved my beard I thought my mustache just looked good by itself. Like, haha, my dad totally had one of these. So uh, I just kept it.”
Max went on to recount how he’s noticed a fascinating shift among his friends and coworkers ever since he originated the concept of having a mustache.
“It’s crazy—ever since I grew my mustache, I’ve noticed, like, all these other guys I interact with have mustaches now too,” Max recalled, while quieting his voice to a whisper.. “I’m pretty sure they copied me. That, or we’re all just bored and following a broader trend of mustaches becoming gradually more desirable over the course of the last decade. But I’m pretty sure they copied me.”
Max’s girlfriend Jyotsna Sinha confirmed that Max has gone mad with power since his alleged invention of the mustache.
“I keep overhearing him on his Zoom calls saying stuff like ‘ahh, I see you’re pullin’ a Max!’ when he sees other people with mustaches,” Sinha exasperatedly revealed. “I want to tell him that’s an insane thing to say, but I can’t get a word in because he’s mumbling ‘just a couple of mustache boys’ over and over for the rest of the meeting.”
Dr. Allan Peterkin, a history professor at the University of Toronto,, disputed Max’s status as the first person ever to grow a mustache.
“If you look at the historical record, you will find that mustaches have existed for thousands of years, with their popularity peaking in the West sometime in the late 19th century,” Professor Peterkin explained. “I would say, based on an abundance of evidence, it is extremely implausible that Max is, to use his words, ‘the first dude to rock the ‘stache.’”
At press time, Max also remarked upon how lately he’s kind of been starting a trend among his friends of wearing plaid button-down shirts.