Suburban Woman Living in New City Absolutely Disgusted By Pathetic Little Target

Previously from Peach Grove, VA, Marissa Waters recently became a New Yorker after moving to the Lower East Side. Upon her arrival, she did what any sensible young woman would do: stop by her local Target to grab a few things. But to her dismay, she walked directly into the most pitiful and stunted Target she had ever seen in her life.


“When I approached the storefront, it was an absolute culture shock. I was stunned that this even qualified as a Target. I know not everything is about size, but this is truly, honestly sad,” Marissa said. “They didn’t even have the standard 14-aisle home decor section.”


“All I wanted was to stop into Target for a couple go-to items: new towels, probably a new mug, some neon blue and orange pool noodles, a Ninja Foodi Indoor Grill AG301, buy one get one free 8-packs of grapefruit Spindrift, two-pack of chocolate lover’s Reese’s, toothpaste, and a Dr. Scholl’s insert.”


Marissa had experienced a City Target in our her home state once before, but nothing prepared her for the horrors of this rendition of the alleged big box store.


“I mean, even at the Fairfax Target, it was big enough so that I could do my usual sitting on the floor while I contemplated which seven colors of nail polish I want to buy without getting in someone’s way. At this ugly, wretched, dinky Target, I was nearly shoved into the miniscule chip aisle by some teenagers in Crocs.”


“I ran out of that miserable, sorry-excuse of a Target and didn’t look back. I contemplated getting in a cab and asking to be driven back to Virginia. I felt like I couldn’t live in such a desolate, uninhabitable place.”


And Marissa’s concerns for the proportions of New York City don’t end there.



“I was walking past a symmetrical looking brick building and noticed all the adults wearing uniforms and playing on the swing set were so small. I swore people back home were at least double the size. New York’s disturbing and tragic Targets are impacting their greater population. It’s deplorable. This is a sociopolitical issue that warrants intervention from the United Nations,” she said.


While Marissa has been doing her absolute best to adjust to the not-so-big city life, she was quite relieved to be greeted by a rat the size of her thigh dragging a pigeon into the MTA dungeon.