Asheville resident Kylie Abrams’ self-esteem took a blow earlier this week when she tragically discovered that she enjoys the taste of egg salad.
The revelation came during a desperate quarantine lunch alone.
“I only ever have three eggs and condiments in the fridge,” Kylie says. “So last Thursday I just went into autopilot until I looked down and found myself smashing boiled eggs alone in my kitchen and adding mayonnaise like it was a perfectly normal thing to do.”
“When I finished, I was absolutely horrified,” Kylie adds. “Then I ate a spoonful, and that’s where the real horror began, because it was honestly kind of delicious.”
Kylie is still struggling to come to terms with this new and unwelcome aspect of her identity.
“Anyone who looks forward to eating egg salad is obviously a follower of Joel Osteen, a school boy in the 1930s, or apparently me during a depressive episode,” says Kylie with a mouth full of egg salad “This is terrible. I could get fired for this.”
Witnesses attest that as her lunch hour came to an end, Kylie was still eating each moist morsel of hard-boiled egg.
“I don’t have time for another guilty pleasure,” Kylie says. “So I guess I just have to own the fact that I’m a freak for hard boiled eggs and mayonnaise now.”
“All that’s left to do is pray I never try tuna salad,” Kylie adds.