Uber CEO Hires Psychic to Get to The Bottom of All The Bad Vibes in Here

With all the controversy swirling around Uber lately from allegations of sexism, to the company’s ties to Donald Trump, to the ongoing poor treatment of drivers, CEO Travis Kalanick is determined to figure out the source of all the bad energy. That’s why he’s hired a neighborhood psychic, Madame Anika, to finally get to the bottom of things.

 

“Somewhere along the line, the culture of this company has become corrupted with a lot of mysterious bad vibes,” says Kalanick, who was on Donald Trump’s advisory council, prior to public outcry about the Muslim Ban. “That’s why I’ve made the difficult decision to bring Anika in and root out the darkness, wherever it might be hiding.”

 

Anika Vasiliev, who’s worked as a storefront psychic in San Francisco for over two years, agreed to stop by Uber headquarters after Kalanick called her up and asked, “What do you think’s going on over here?”

 

Attempting to find out why women were fleeing from the company where they claimed HR repeatedly ignored sexual harassment claims, Vasiliev has been walking through darkened break rooms yelling, “Are there any spirits here? Why are you hurting women? If you did this, give me a sign.”

 

“It’s really spooky,” says Kalanick, who says Madame Anika played him an EVP recording that sounded like someone was trying to say “Delete Uber.”

 

“I don’t know what kinds of dark forces are at play.”

 

Madame Anika claims much of the negative energy in the building seems to be centered around Kalanick’s office. “There’s a source in this room somewhere, and that bad energy is fanning out into the rest of the building.”

 

 

“It’s probably some kind of spirit portal or energy vortex,” explains Kalanick, who admits he is new to the world of spirit phenomenon. “And our new corporate policy won’t stand for it. We’re going to install some crystals and do everything we can to eradicate the spirits that are tormenting our employees.”

 

“It seems more localized than that,” Madame Anika explained later, gesturing at Kalanick’s aura. “You may be suffering from some type of demonic possession.”

 

At press time, Uber reports progress has been made and that Madame Anika has been tasked with investigating other corporate campuses.

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